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I still feel the slump, but muscle memory and sheer bloody-mindedness have taken over.

I keep stitching – – – – – – –

(“Keep on swimming, keep on swimming….” (Finding Nemo, for those who don’t already know))

The stitching saves me. That repetitive, unthinking, thinking action is relentless. Unthinking: because all the decisions have already been made, my needle just goes up and down. Sometimes I don’t even have to watch it. Thinking: because the rest of my mind wanders where it wants to, needs to, to get the other stuff thought about. It’s like sleep, or hypnotism…. the state of flow.

When I rise from that state I am restless again, in need of action. Bloody-minded… determined and belligerent.

I open up the online Arts Council form and look again. I have written the words, they might change a little, but they are there. The numbers are a different matter. My heart sinks as I open it up, and look at my spreadsheet (previously the saviour of the innumerate). Numbers lie heavy in my head. I need to mangle them and make them stand up straight. I say their names slowly in the hope that understanding will suddenly dawn and they will dance in front of my eyes and do my bidding. Sometimes, I slam my laptop shut and swear violently. Sometimes I coax the numbers and myself into an uneasy truce. They promise to behave, and sit still, if I promise not to lose my temper. In this manner we ease our way to a cautious balance…

The Arts Council thing is for a longer bigger project that I am desperate to do, but currently don’t quite have the skills for, and will need to pay someone to help me, and someone to teach me. For this, money is required. It’s a corker… and I would just love to make it happen!

Meanwhile…. out in the big wide world, things are happening… I have been invited to put the little fabric scrap shoes into an exhibition called “A Child’s Christmas in Wales” for the Oriel Gallery in Wrexham. How lovely it is that someone has found me through my brand spanking new Axisweb membership, and invited me to show some work! I am thrilled!

I don’t think I wrote about the Axisweb thing… I think it happened while my blog was down for a few days. I need to stop bloody moaning and slumping about, because actually some pretty amazing things have happened lately, and are still happening. I need to prise myself out of the slumpy armchair and enjoy it while it’s going on. These things snowball don’t they? If something happens to give you confidence, strike while the iron is hot and do something else before it fades. This is why I did the Axis thing… while there were lots of fresh and lovely things on my cv. After that, I had a bit of a lightbulb moment about my work, how it could really work as something bigger, and have dived into the Arts Council funding hoo-hah…

I’d keep my fingers crossed, but I’m too busy using them for the adding up.

I may have some sort of personality disorder.

I am really quite anti-social for an extrovert.

I like to be on my own.

When I’ve had a few days of being out there having fun and being nice and smiley to people, the best thing in the world is ten hours straight on my own in the studio. It needs to be ten hours because I spend the first two fannying about with the kettle and the stuff on the wall, and going to buy biscuits etc.

I think I like blogging so much because I can talk and talk without actually having to deal with anyone. Also, I can leave my hair looking like a bird’s nest, and leave off the make-up, and wear the jumper I wore for the last two days because it is comfy.

I love to be busy and meet new people and old friends and be jolly, and then I retreat. Big time baby. I am in the middle of a grumpy retreat at the moment, only putting on the public face when I absolutely have to.

While I am in this slump/grump I am literally forcing myself to do applications, and search about for things to either get my work out into the world, or earn some money. I growl if the phone rings.

BUT……….

In one small part of my head, ready to turn into fully fired up enthusiasm, is a little spark of joy that keeps me sane, and keeps me going.

Collaboration.

I love it!

I think it is my thing. The conversation between artists and musicians. The ideas that ping about between me and them.

So in the middle of this grump, I ask a couple of people if they will help with a project. I ask in a way that will save face and feel comfortable for both parties if they say no (see, I DO have social skills!) and will enable the relationship to continue regardless.

They both said yes.

So now the little spark in a little part of my head turns into a bright blue pilot light. To stretch the analogy rather too far, I now need someone to come up with the gas so we can get cooking.

Collaborators, bless them. If you are lucky you get a collaborator who turns into a friend, or vice versa… I have a selection of each variety. They are able to spark you out of the dark mood…and if they are a long way away and only communicate electronically, they might not even notice that you look like a cat lady, and you don’t answer their emails right away. So their response is normal. And before you know it, you start feeling normal again too.

(just give me a while ok?)

*************

While I write this sporadically, between mugs of tea that I allow to go cold, I read another blog post, by Claire Manning:

https://www.a-n.co.uk/blogs/writing-as-learning

in which she also describes the slump… August apparently being a popular month for it. Also, she is “post MA” which, as has been reported, is a well known condition that is to be expected. All will be well, Claire!

Weird day.

Probably shouldn’t post on a weird day, in case I say something I later regret. But I’m going to give it a go anyway.

I have angst.

I am in the midst of a crisis of confidence.

I should have known really, you can’t keep riding the crest forever, the slump always happens. There is always some sort of payback I find.

The high has lasted a while though… I can track it back to the last slump…

January to March = job related slump

April to July = New York, resignation, work exhibited across the UK (Kent, Liverpool, and closer to home too) freedom related high, I absolutely know for certain that I am Brilliant Artist.

August to whenever = Feeling worthlessness and uselessness of work, will never earn any money ever again.

Also August to whenever = I have a big idea, but the slump is rendering me mentally incapable of doing anything about it. And I also doubt it’s a very good idea anyway.

In rational moments, I know that this is a cycle, it will all be ok in the end.

In irrational moments, I scan the local paper for jobs at Aldi.

The slump is physical as well as mental. I slump in this chair, uncomfortable but can’t be bothered to move. Blaaaah……..

On a whim, I decided to listen to my “back catalogue” of about 10 recorded songs. Some have been recorded properly, with proper microphones, real instruments and a decent producer who knows what he’s doing with my weird and wonderful sound collages. (Thanks Dan!) Some are recorded from very occasional live performances, and some are just sketches still… waiting to bed in, be revisited and then worked up into something more.

While listening to the song that formed part of my final MA installation (unbelievably almost two years ago), it struck me that it was just as pertinent to the work I am doing now. The lyrics being the inner voice of a woman pushed to an edge. I am going to listen to this some more over the next few days and think about how this piece can be adapted for a new space and new work. It may well be that it is fine as it is…. During the MA show it was played on a continuous loop, but with hindsight, I think I need to give it some space… so that it can worm its way into people’s ears, with enough space, they might fill in the gap themselves, and carry it away with them more easily.

https://soundcloud.com/elena-thomas/keep-calm-loop-elena-thomas

KEEP CALM

Do what I say
Not what I do

Make do and mend
Don’t throw it all away
Darn the holes they won’t offend
Please do just what I say

Do what I say
Not what I do

Keep calm carry on
Don’t lose your temper now
Smooth the creases, iron on
Never start a row/ its not worth it now

Do what I say
Not what I do

Least said, soonest mended
Keep the peace with all
Never give up … ‘til the end
How the mighty fall.

Keep calm carry on
Don’t lose your temper now
Smooth the creases, iron on
Never start a row/ its not worth it now

Do what I say
Not what I do

It’ll all come out in the wash
Don’ t wash your dirty linen in public

The thing about being an obsessional stitcher is, every piece of work takes a long time to complete.

I am still embroidering that first bra. It now has a smattering of embroidery all over it, all the way around, but it isn’t enough. I want it to be totally encrusted. I want it to be really difficult to see the bra beneath. I want its flaws masked and the surface glorious. I am desperate to see what happens to it when I have finished the embellishment and start to stitch the wires in to make it sculptural… so I’m stitching fast.

I also think one won’t be enough. I need more… three? four? seven? or all nine of them?

I think this one is quite me… big, tatty, loud, over-decorated, funny, over the top, with a hint of the Eastern European in its decor. Decorum it has not! It’s a bit of a floozie! I’ve chucked everything at it. It seemed to be right for this particular garment.

It makes me wonder whether, if I do do more, they will be different women? I said somewhere before that the songs I write come from a group of fictitious middle aged women I hold kindly in my head… I wonder if these will be their bras?