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There are other ways of letting go…

I sent work representing a decade over to Debra and Colin in Jamestown NY… this act in itself requires guts. What to choose? How to send it? Will it get there?

Well it got there, and I thought that would be the end of the stress, but all that happened is it changed focus. I am not there to install it. I trust Debra, and although I don’t know Colin yet, Debra trusts him, and our email communications have been good.

I hadn’t anticipated the emotional territory I would tread in letting go of my work to allow someone else to curate a show. Part of me thinks this is great, and I will see the work afresh through someone else’s eyes. At the moment though, a bigger part of me is worried. Worried that my bras won’t be shown in a way that allows them to communicate… or the babies won’t look like they are playing, or that people can communicate with them in the way I had originally conceived. I also find myself thinking “Exactly HOW IMPORTANT is this?” I had all of this work hanging in groups when it was first hung… and it worked. I liked it, it did what I wanted it to. But how important is it that the work is hung in exactly the same way this time round? It is in a new space, with a new audience, with the rest of my work surrounding it to give it a context. Maybe a new view of it is a good thing… but I still find myself torn. I have had discussions about it all with Debra, and there have definitely been compromises on both sides I know. And they are doing all the hard work, and it’s their gallery, so once I have had my say, I do need to trust it will be ok. Debra is posting tantalising (but cautious) shots of the installation, not to give too much away. But I am now desperate to see it all! I should be over there in just under a month, so will be able to see it in all its glory. She is telling me it will be beautiful. I trust her, so it will be I’m sure.

The last thing I want to do is be that artist who insists that the fork lift truck comes back into the gallery so the pile of rocks can be moved an inch to the right. That’s really not who I am… but I do want my babies to play with each other, and my girls to talk to each other…

(You can do whatever you want with the drawings, they’re not real people)

PS Deb I love that blue so much I may change my mind about showing the twigs on black for the solo show in May back here

(Installation in progress photos from Debra Eck)

Having taken all my work off the top shelves, and from under the table and the previously neatly stacked corner, I now have an untidy studio again. I’ve sent lots of work off to America for the show, and have the “reject” pile scattered everywhere. It’s been taken out and sorted and put on one side, NOT going to America. So what do I do with it now? If I have decided it is not worthy of that, then what is it all worthy of? The paper based stuff I already have started a programme of chopping and book making. But there are other things, previously exhibited, dry mounted or in frames… what do I do with those? I also have quite a big pile of textile items. Some I want to keep, but lots are left overs from previous projects. I may have a fondness for, but really I no longer need them. Some of these I think I can’t reuse in any way, and may put in a basket at my open studio event for people to just take away if they like the look of them… maybe ask for donations? Other things I want to put prices on, albeit small numbers, in the hope that they will go, some of them at least and I will get a bit of cash for them, to be reinvested on materials, or maybe the gas bill.

But then after the Open Studio, what then? Give them away? Throw them out? Burn them? I am in a mood to dispose of things… space has become the thing I crave most, so in order to gain space I must just say goodbye to things that serve me no further purpose… however pretty the fabric, no matter how expensive the paper was ten years ago, no matter how much time I spent making it… they have done their job. They are redundant.

Tomorrow I shall lay the things out and take some photos… if any of my blog readers fancy anything, call in and collect it, or let me know your address and you can have it for the price of the postage.

(I should have kept my mouth firmly closed! One of the parcels got lost along the way… fortunately it was found. It arrived safely in Jamestown NC, rather than Jamestown NY. I’ve been informed that is, at last, in a van on the way to Debra’s house and will be in the gallery very soon. So now I have the task of figuring out how I get myself there! But that is a task for another day.)

I had a lovely chat with Stuart Mayes yesterday, zooming from my Stourbridge studio to his Uppsala studio. Both of us wrapping/stitching while we did so. Most convivial! We find ourselves in a similar position in many ways. Our work is comparable, the stage of our practice also, he is a few years younger than me, but neither of us spring chickens… we know a thing or two! We have similar attitudes about the sort of places we “should” (I use that word cautiously) be showing our work, and how it should be shown and seen. We have stopped mucking about and now see the need to pick carefully where we put things. We both surround ourselves with good people and are having a good time making our work however the hell we want.

Currently I feel confident. I feel the work stands up well, I can speak about it articulately. Also, I feel confident about saying that I don’t have all the answers. I’m still working. My practice is exactly that – Practice! It is a moving, evolving, building and collapsing thing. Sometimes I know exactly what it’s all about. Sometimes, at the beginning of new work, I really really don’t. BUT I now trust my processes. I trust in myself that if I keep exploring, playing, making, writing, at some point a connection will be made. All of this happens inside my own small brain, so none of it happens in isolation… there are connections. Sometimes I don’t see them for ages, sometimes I don’t see them at all. Until other people point things out.

Already, even before I actually see this Elena Thomas Retrospective called “Full Circle”, I see connections I didn’t see before. It’s called Full Circle because it starts with me wrapping wood in fabric, and now I’m wrapping a different sort of wood in a different sort of fabric, twelve years later.

If an artist has subjects that interest them, and they keep on reading, listening, writing, making about those interesting things, things connect. If they have a particular fondness for certain materials and methods, things will connect there too. What you have to do is stay on the bus and keep doing it. Then, when you are 62 and have a retrospective show in NY, you have a coherent body of work that tells all your secrets.

PS I’m having an Open Studio weekend soon… hoping to raise a bit of cash so I can take Debra Eck out to dinner while I’m in NY

I’m a bit all over the place to be honest, but things are calming down enough for me to write a post.

The work for my show at The Weeks Gallery has now landed in the US, so I can stop panicking so much about that … although it hasn’t arrived at its final destination yet, so I’m not totally calm. When it does, only then can I think about shipping myself over there in March. It has been stressful working out what to take and how to get it there. But I can’t wait to see it all up! It opens first week in February until 17th March if you happen to be in Jamestown NY, pop in and say hi! I’m not sure exactly when I will be there yet, but certainly towards the end of the run.

This morning at the crack of dawn we (The Sitting Room) had a radio show recording session for Black Country Radio Xtra… it will be out on February 2nd at 5pm and for a week after you can listen again. It’s a show about songwriting, influences etc, and features six live performances. That early in the morning is not great for me at the best of times (9:00) but singing at that time was a challenge. I warmed up by singing in the shower and on the way in the car, but it wasn’t as smooth as I would have liked… I think it will sound ok, but it felt “scratchy”.

The final mixes for the new EP landed in the inbox this morning and I think they sound great, so all I need to do is get the master to the guy who does the reproductions… we will have a few real CDs as well as launching for the first time on BandCamp etc.

In amongst all this public facing productivity I am still working in the studio on the twig wrapping and work for my solo installation at RBSA in May. I have also been asked by the RBSA director Sanna Moore to help select the new artists for the Graduate Artists Programme. This feels like a real honour to be asked. I was chosen because I have a practice that is multi-disciplinary and broad based. I’m really looking forward to what and who turns up! If you are based in the Midlands and you have graduated in the last ten years you are eligible

That will happen once I have returned from the US… then I have about a month to finalise arrangements for my solo show. (At some point I will need to get down to Devon in April to work on the song/sounds with producer Michael Clarke.)

I’ve also been invited to join in with the next phase of Radio Public, focussing on the black country town of Brierley Hill. This way of working isn’t my usual thing, but it is local, sociable, interesting… I enjoyed the last one in Dudley, and always enjoy working with Bill and Helen, so I feel no stress about that bit!

Over the summer I’m going to be doing some community-based, twig-related projects in the local park with Rick Sanders, and we hope to get some funding for that. 

This feels the busiest I have been since I became totally self-employed to be honest. I am enjoying the prospect of getting stuff done, and getting my work out where it can be seen.

And then I am also looking forward to August, when I can hopefully get some time to sit back and reflect, and relax a bit! I might go on holiday!

I’ve always been determined that my blog should reflect the real life of this particular artist. Not just all the good stuff, but how hard it can be, how stressful, as well as how amazingly wonderful it can be.

The last couple of months have been all of those things!

I am on the verge of (hopefully) shipping nine boxes of art, representing twelve years of work over to the USA for a retrospective show, lasting six weeks. (I say hopefully because until they get collected from my house and put on a van, and then arrive safely, I have to stay a little cautious, it’s just my nature.) This is truly amazing, and I am hugely grateful to Debra Eck for asking me.

The process so far has shown me lots of things about myself that I would like to share:

• I hate all the admin. Passport applications (mine had expired, because I didn’t think I would be going anywhere), form filling, taking photos, parcel wrapping, weighing, unwrapping because you forgot something, wrapping again. I need a PA or an intern. If artists actually invoiced for this “office time” nobody would pay us to do anything.

• The emotional weight of selecting from twelve years work has been heavy. My work is emotional while I am making it. Bringing it off shelves, out of cupboards and washing, ironing, dusting it down, then assessing it with as much objectivity as I can muster has been tough… is it worth the air fare?

• The biggest thing though is the nagging feeling “Am I worth the air fare?” Now I don’t want loads of sympathy here, I’m not fishing for compliments or anything like that. I’m just saying that this feels like a big deal opportunity, but I don’t feel like a big deal person. It’s close to imposter syndrome, but something else as well. I was not brought up to expect success. Every success is a huge surprise to me. I always expect it to collapse at the last minute with someone saying “Why on earth did you think YOU deserved THAT?” Some people seem to have the knack of reinforcing this feeling. I am trying very hard not to take on their shit. I have plenty of my own thanks.

• The process so far has been mentally and physically exhausting both for me and my absolute star of a husband, Mike. If this isn’t love then I don’t know what is. I keep crying… and almost crying. And he keeps just doing what I ask of him, and supplying me with tea on a regular basis.

• I am so excited I can hardly sleep. I think when the parcels are on the van I will relax a little. But for now there is no room for anything else.

• I am managing myself by looking at just the next step, the next form, the next item… I am surprising myself with my state of calm organisation in amongst the chaos. I am able to tell myself I will get there, just by doing the next thing, as and when I can do it.

• How tightly the physical and the mental are tied together!? My arthritis is being a bastard. Once the parcels have gone I will begin the task of booking my own flights. I shall do this and feel no guilt about booking assistance between connecting flights. I will need it and I will feel reassured and less stressed because of it. I am good at pretending to be OK, but sometimes you just need help. I feel simultaneously fragile and determined.

I have just been brought another big mug of steamy decaf Earl Grey, so I shall sign off there and come back when I’ve waved off the parcels!