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It’s been a grim month.

I say this not to extract sympathy, as I know we all have grim months, but to sort of highlight the effect it has on my work. The recent show was titled Cause and Effect and this is why. The latest piece is dark. Even I see it (I sometimes don’t!) stark in front of me, spread out on the table. I have strayed into charcoal, which anyone who knows me or my work will see as a departure. I am a clean and tidy worker. Charcoal has been for other spaces, drawing workshops, students, working with children… but not my studio.

And yet here it is. I still have a watercolour washed ground to work on, a pale ochre. The charcoal has been rubbed into the texture of the paper (this is why it was allowed in I think) and takes to it beautifully. The shapes and clouds and lines are familiar, still reminiscent of the bodily and the visceral. The blackness sucks me in. I try to layer it up to get it blacker and blacker, fixing and drawing over and over… And then, another layer of graphite working lies on the top, reflecting the light that the charcoal absorbs.

And herein lies the reason again. Some stuff we have to absorb and live with. Some stuff we can deflect and shake off. Some stuff leaves a mark, some doesn’t.

So this grim month? Some of it will stay with me forever. Deep and black. Ground in. Some I’ve been able to shake off. Some of it has left a smudge that will fade over time.

I love the metaphorical. In drawing and in words. To live in metaphors is so very human.

 


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I’ve abandoned the green monstrosity. I may chop it up for collages or something at a later date…

Yesterday the opposite happened.

Over the weekend I cut another narrow strip and laid some paint down. I’ve been using a combination of Indian red and alizarin crimson, in various proportions and it gives this lovely rich skin and blood colour…

I put the paint on the paper first thing on Saturday morning, then spent the day in the gallery with a load of families and a bunch of brownies for our Big Draw day (there’s another on October 19th).

When I returned to the paper at 4pm there was an intriguing series of gaps… thoughts of spines and slipped discs came to mind… constrictions…

So on Monday I had a good few hours on it. This time it just seemed to go how I wanted it to… tight bands and then a bursting out… pressure and release. It was feeling good to do it and I like the results. This is the best it has felt… this is what I’m aiming for. The feeling while I am doing it is important, not just how it looks when it is finished.

 


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I’m three days in to a new drawing and I don’t like it.

I used some green paint that is a weird texture… gritty but not in a good way, more in an accidentally got dropped in a gutter kind of way.

The pencil isn’t working on it like I feel I want it to. I’ve already cut a foot off the end of the strip because of monumental eraser-related cock up. I don’t usually use an eraser, but it was an emergency that I made worse. It was merely infected. Now amputation is the only answer.

These large drawings are an investment of time, as well as materials. By cutting off the bad bit that was fortunately close to one end, I could reassess the composition before proceeding. Before then it did have a pleasing asymmetric quality, but now it’s all a bit samey. So the question is do I carry on drawing, or do I smash another bit of Payne’s grey over it?

My indecision is leaking. My irritation is leaking… from life outside the studio to inside the studio. This often happens. And I SAY it’s what I like, what I want, but really? Not so much… This afternoon I could do with a bit of studio peace and steadiness leaking back the other way. It kind of works when I have a full day to work through it, but not in a couple of hours. That just gets me to peak calamity with no time to redress the balance.

Oh bollocks. Get the kettle on.


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I have listened back to my own podcast a couple of times now. Enough to know that some of the questions, in hindsight, I didn’t give enough though or consideration to. 

The big one that is bugging me, is the avoidance of the question about research and my flippant answer “Oh I don’t do any of that!” Sarah pushed at it a little bit. But I still didn’t answer it properly. So I’ve been giving some thought as to why.

I think it comes down to what I think of as Proper Research. My MA research was crowbarred into the realm of (mainly) French philosophy. I found it very difficult to relate to any of it. Then the things that I did find valuable and interesting I was told would not cut the mustard academically. If I did another MA I might question that now a little more vehemently (unlikely!)

Actually, I do do a lot of research. So there. It’s just that I’m not used to labelling it as such, because I have been told that it isn’t the right sort of research… so I have believed this and been instrumental in my own invalidation.

I attended a talk/panel thing at the Art Party Conference in Scarborough in 2013. The one part of this that struck me as an artist rather than a teacher, was the point at which Pavel Bulcher said that aligning his work to any philosophy wasn’t his problem, but up to the academics. He wasn’t interested. His job was to make the work. 

So MY job is also to make the work. My research, whatever form it takes, serves that purpose only, to feed the work. The nutrients that I decide my work needs is entirely up to me. It’s got sod all to do with Derrida or Deleuze or Baudrillard. If you want to look at that you go ahead. Not my problem. (Although I am partial to a spot of ancient Aristotle)

So here, as a chance to redress the balance, I shall make a list. This is my research. This is for my own benefit, to remind me that it is proper research. If I am doing it and it is interesting and useful and has an effect on my work, then of course it is proper research, and I don’t need the crow bar. I’m no longer being assessed in a university context and I am still developing the confidence to stand up for myself and my practice.

I investigate the materials. Their physical properties and how they work in combination. I look at them also metaphorically, as people, as a family that rub against each other. I look at my own emotional responses (and later at the responses of my viewers).

I have a methodology that includes rules, and a vaguely scientific root.

I am playful in my approach too.

I look at other images from a variety of sources that are NOT other artists. I look at microscopic images of fungi, bacteria, viruses, cells: plant, mineral, animal. I look at imaging from the Wellcome Collection, I look at old photographs… my family and strangers’. I look at clothes and faces. I look at my own past practices. My research is in real life, real body, real mind. It is an up close and personal enquiry.

In some ways, I think when I look at the work of other artists I see that as a secondary source. Someone has already looked and responded. What I want is a primary source. The raw material… truer, purer?

Audience watching is also research. Feedback either from a gallery, exhibition experience or the performance angle is absorbed and feeds into the next. Talking to the women in the audience, and fellow female performers, after a gig is becoming a habit. I want to find out about their motivations and misgivings. Why are they there, or the absentees… why aren’t they there?

With feedback comes a re-assessment, and hopefully change, improvement, a different approach perhaps… then the circle loops round again.

Being ‘present’ in the performance is a skill. To be aware takes rehearsal and confidence. It is hard to be present if you are worried about the performance too much, or the equipment, or forgetting the words of the second verse (I am too scared, I have an iPad clamped to my mic stand just in case, but I’m getting better).

The artists I do look at closely are those around me. My interviewer Sarah Goudie is tremendously inspiring and questions me on a healthily regular basis. As does Bo Jones. I send work out over social media to be viewed and commented upon. The artists surrounding me are kindly supportive, but also critical commenters: Debra Eck, Kate Murdoch, Ruth Geldard. My studio neighbour Louise Blakeway. These people are of more value to me than the prize winners and the blockbusters. 

The songwriters I can talk to about the nitty gritty of the art/craft are instrumental (pun intended) in developing my skills, most often my Band mates Andy Jenkins, Ian Sutherland, Lloyd McKenzie, John Kirkman. Dan Whitehouse quite frankly changed the landscape of my practice over the last decade since I met him; Michael Clarke and his willingness to play, get it wrong, and find some magic; Nicki Kelly’s ability to throw herself at the world… regardless of fear. 

I have conversations with Laura Rhodes that inspire deep thought about art and the world (she is a young woman I have seen grow from a babe in arms to a gloriously talented photographer); My two sons too… proud mother I am…

And there are people I would like to share a table and a beverage with, that I have seen and heard from afar, who have shown me what can be done. My current musical crushes whose words I read like poems and prayers being John Elliot and Kathryn Williams… I binge-listen, hoping some of it will rub off.

Isn’t that what research is?


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Ok, so I’ve never been very patient. I was going to post this next week, but it’s ready now so I might as well post it, right?

 

click here for part 2


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