I feel a little on the edge again…
At a sort of leaping off point. I should read back over some of this blog, because I’m sure I’ve written about this before.
A couple of posts back I wrote of being on the cusp… I’m teetering on the edge now…
Don’t you think there are moments in life, those “straw that broke the camel’s back” moments, where suddenly you just have to do it… whatever “it” is? I’ve had several, where I suddenly realised I should be doing something that I’m not…
One more thing and I’ll push myself over…
I changed my job, I did the MA, I had all my hair cut off. Some people might see the last as a trivial thing, but I had a hell of a lot of hair… it formed a large part of how I saw myself… and I suddenly discovered I was hiding under it. (I looked like one of those sheep that stay out on the moors for three years and don’t get sheared.)
I stand in front of all these possibilities: collaborations, journeys (actual, not the X-Factor variety) exhibitions, a studio, challenges, work that I can’t wait to get my teeth into…
And I think I need to make a leap at all of it, invest some faith in myself for a change. I tell my friend Bo that I don’t think I have faith in God, but faith in people. I think I am a natural collaborator, despite my lack of social skills and occasional insensitivity (at least one of my friends (Helen) has just spat out her tea). I have faith in others: their ability, humour, patience and skill.
I think I will always need someone else to bounce off, argue with, ask for advice, teach me, laugh at and with, who will laugh at me too. Someone with a different view to stop me becoming isolated and inward looking. It is precisely because of my anti-social nature and insensitivity that I need this. How dreadful would I become without the practice?
Don’t get me wrong, I can be fairly sociable, amiable for the most part. But as I get older I have become more selective. Sometimes, I can’t be bothered with people. I like peace, quiet and solitude, space to think properly.
It’s all about balance I suppose. Surround myself with the right people, and then tell them to leave me alone! Ha!
