I’m living a double life. With a double brain. One half of me is organised, list-writing and keen to Get Things Done. This person has an operation soon, and needs to be sorted. The freezer needs to be full of easy tasty food, the fridge needs fresh veg, the house needs to be clean and tidy before IT happens, so that recuperation is stress free.
The other half of me is a slob. My knee hurts, I’m sulking. I can’t be bothered. More than that, I can’t be arsed. (I have already confessed in a previous post to being sweary, so if you are still here, you can cope.) This half of me is slumped again, waiting to hear from four lots of people who I have applied to to give me money, exhibition space, work. The organised half is telling me I should keep applying for other things, because the chances are, these four things will be rejected, and if I don’t have something else on the back-burner, I will slump further. The organised half thinks a slump whilst on crutches swathed in firm bandaging would be a Bad Thing. The slob half shrugs and pulls the duvet over her head and turns up the music.
Organised Elena is cooking double portions and freezing. Slob Elena is thawing it out two days later because she has spent too long at the studio. Organised Elena does vacuuming. Slob Elena cuts up fabric spread out on the carpet so it needs doing all over again. I am in constant battle with my own contrary nature. Oh My God! My Mum used to tell me when I was 5 that I was a “contrary madam” has NOTHING changed?
I wake up feeling motivated and positive, and yet, sometimes by lunchtime it has often evaporated. When I had a proper job and had to be nice to people, this was a real strain. These days I go with the flow, and isolate myself till it passes, which, if I’m allowed to spend all afternoon drawing and sewing, often does!
I am both extrovert and introvert. I am confident, and terrified. I am professional, capable, and also useless and blundering. I am sensitive, diplomatic and tactful, and also crash about stomping all over everyone else’s feelings and don’t even notice.
I have a lovely family and many friends, I love them, but I often wonder why they put up with me. I’m getting on my own nerves now.
But you know what? These bras are looking great, and I’ve just recorded a load of percussion using kitchen utensils. Onwards and upwards eh?
