I’ve got a list of things as long as my arm to do in the studio. But I have stopped. Until today, haven’t even been able to think much about it.
Eleven days ago I fell over. My previous post was almost finished, so I managed to complete and post that, but that’s been it really. And I have so much to do this month!
I was walking out from a gig, loaded up with gear, and I failed to notice a small step down, so the ground wasn’t where I expected it to be, and I took a dive. There has been horrendous amounts of bruising, shock, (relief it wasn’t worse) and a general shook-up-ness that just weighed me down, and left me feeling sorry for myself. My knees are in a bad enough state as they are, so landing on the worst one didn’t help. The physical was really bad, but I have found the mental aspect of it really rather heavy. I have taken a real knock to my confidence, and examine the floor in minute detail wherever I walk. I shall develop a stoop no doubt if I’m not careful.
I have got so much work to do… the main things being to prepare for a book-making day with friends, which requires me to have a clean clear studio, and a large amount of old drawings cut to size and flattened ready for Tuesday. I need to go junk shop trawling to find a sort of frame or box to assemble some of my wrapped twigs in, ready for the RBSA members and Associates exhibition.
I have also been told I have been selected for the West Midlands Open at New Art Gallery Walsall. The work is already framed and delivered, but to my dismay I discovered the preview event is on the same night as the band’s CD launch… so, with the support of my lovely band mates, I am able to do both! They will do my sound check so that I can be in Walsall early evening, then I shall hot-foot it from there to Moseley in time to sing later in the evening (warming up as I drive) Of course, I am hoping I will be able to drive, hoping that I will HAVE the drive! If not I’ll drag my husband to Walsall so he can escort me! (Art events are not his favourite thing).
I have some writing and sound work to do, both for the Radio Public project, and for my retreat/residential songwriting week in July.
Anyway… there are other things but they’re not really relevant, as what I wanted to write about was the complete stop. I just couldn’t think straight, and it was a bit scary. All I could think about was the pain, and how to get from one room to the other, and I started worrying about how to get up the stairs for bed from about 6pm. No room for art, and I didn’t care. It was only really over yesterday and today that I have gently started to think about it again. And now I am stressing about getting things done in time. I’ve wasted nearly two weeks and I have nothing to show for it.
I know it is not long, but I don’t like the feeling. I know people who have had a “stop” for much longer than that, in some cases for years! Thankfully it has come back, but they too have the worry about wasted time, but until the urge returns, there’s not a lot you can do about it. And more to the point, you don’t care. When there is extreme pain, stress and worry, your creativity seems to vanish. Just at the point when one might think it was most needed.
And then, gradually, it comes back (If you are reading this and you have stopped, I hope you start again soon). I am often aware of how my own brain works, but I haven’t felt this before. It did scare me, because this is who I am. When I am in the midst of creativity it feels invincible, strong, a force of nature. But it turns out it is as fragile as my body.
Or maybe it just hides until it is safe to come out again?
This afternoon I have sat in the sunshine and wrapped a few twigs. A gentle, caring, repetitive activity… occupational therapy perhaps?
