twelve in fourteen

i’m in the mood for love… who sang that? quite a lot of people actually⁽¹⁾ where did it begin? difficult to pin down until i read the lines of description.

as a citizen of the earth i enjoy the interconnectivity with the past and the present. i am not alone.

i don’t feel like an artist today.

oh god am i going to make some god awful self deriding boring blog post?

there’s a chance of that.

however there’s something inside that stirs. is it pride? is it self worth? is it self value? is it pleasure in being retweeted by Emily speed and susan jones getting involved in the discussion?

i tweeted about the art eco system diagram from 2004^.(2) susan told me that it’s from the taste bud report and used in a-n’s trade off report too. the diagram describes the rise of the artist through their career. the diagram begins on the right and works to the left, a very curious arrangement given that our culture has a convention of reading left to right implying progress. the diagram implies a backwards projection.⁽³⁾

the diagram was used as reference material in the dodge the shredder workshop yesterday. it was interesting and i heard new ideas however i have had a personal cost as a result and have attempted to deal with this today.

i dealt with the result of the first application on Wednesday. at the time my over riding optimism was questioned as i realised the potential for spending a year being disappointed. my experience on Thursday has left me questioning myself again. i do wonder if i should just give up. stop. do nothing.

but there lies the personal paradox. i find it difficult to do nothing.

but in doing something, making, creating, what am i saying? is it simply that i’d rather do this than be a bored vegetable or commenting on the futility of human form relative to the complexity and vastness of the ecosystem of the planet on which we exist? or am i saying that life is amazing and there is so much that we don’t know that we don’t know about it and in that vastness there is beauty in the small moments of discovery…. an aesthetic of discovery.

if i was cleverer with words, well if i was not dsylexic, i’d be able to construct something very poetic about the deep core self worth issues that i perceive that i have and in attempting to communicate to find reason and meaning somehow incite others to act in a manner that proliferates that perceived core.

oh god i’m going off into dark territory again.

i read that artist statements are bland and meaningless and full of meaningless drivel⁽⁴⁾ is this because the art ecosystem prefers the artist to hide themselves in palatable phrases that articulate importance through depersonalised statements? when in the art world does a peirs linney come along and offer a chance that the peter joneses of the planet refuse to accept exist?⁽⁵⁾

i find myself thinking differently and talking differently. often in seminars and workshops (that are regularly run) the leader saying “oh i’ve not been asked that before” or “that’s the first time that’s happened.” when i fully engage.

so am i without sufficient skill to be able to express myself visually …. or is that i simply haven’t got the discipline to stick at one thing for long enough. what makes someone an artist and someone not an artist. i wonder am i just thinking i am an artist because when i get bored i make things, what is it that sets me apart from someone else. is it the idea?

the idea when thinking about funding is everything. it starts with it and finishes with the evaluation of the idea knowing what has happened. it sounds all so simple.

so why am i feeling so incapable?

what do i love?

is my making not getting critisiced? are all those “umm sounds interesting” comments code for don’t bother, i don’t care. if that’s the case, is it time to stop?

(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I’m_in_the_Mood_for_Love

(2) <blockquote lang=”en”><p>art eco system from 2004 <a href=”http://t.co/iilxSPlgLT”>http://t.co/iilxSPlgLT</a> emergence takes at least 10 years.</p>&mdash; andrew martyn sugars (@andrewsugars) <a href=”https://twitter.com/andrewsugars/statuses/434371734758649857″>February 14, 2014</a></blockquote>

<script async src=”//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>

(3) http://www.yproductions.com/imagebank/art_ecosystem_model.jpg

(4) https://www.facebook.com/matthew.collings1/posts/1…

(5) http://www.bhangra.org/dragons-den-star-piers-linn…

• 
• 
• 

i spoke last year with an artist who at the time claimed he never fully finished any of his works. i’ve wondered if this was a good thing or a bad thing. while we chatted my gut feeling was that if nothing was ever fully concluded, how would one move on?

what actually does move on mean ? is it more a case of evolving one’s thoughts about one’s practice through the completion of successive intents.

in my endeavour to complete 12 applications this year i’m finding a need to have certain aspects of my practice resolved to point at a point when the work will be viewed and stands as a statement that i want to make at that time.

i’ve learnt of when the first application will be looked at, it’s tomorrow. today i’ve installed the latest evolution of my website homepage⁽¹⁾ and i’m really rather pleased with it.

one other aspect of my website i’ve been considering for sometime is the statement. having followed the Facebook thread (mentioned in a previous post) re artist statements i’ve been mind full of avoiding the over waffly version. i know where my over waffly version originates … it’s from an anxiety about what i say has a level of intellectual weight that i read in books about artists from whom we have learnt so much from their practice course. it’s an easy trap to fall into.

in thinking and considering the aspects of artist statement while making applications i am very aware that the statement is very much for each opportunity. therefore i’ve attempted to find an over riding statement within which i have the space in which to explore what interests me. i’ve made some descisions and today am happy with what i’ve decided. i’ve taken on board points raised in the Facebook thread and remained true to me. so today i’m happy to have resolved it.⁽²⁾

there’s the dodge the shredder event in Leicester on Thursday. it’s an event in which applications are looked at, considered and feedback given. i’m a little apprensive about doing this, simply from a point of view of vunerablitity. i have three applications on the go at the moment so know which i’ll look at first and maybe if there’s a chance look at the others too. i’m looking forward to getting out and meeting new people.

so reflecting upon the not finishing… my personal view of this today is that it’s healthy to be able to feel that something is finished to a point that it needs to be when seen by others. maybe for this reason i’m unsure about Thursday. time will tell and i walk head held high towards the unknown.

⁽¹⁾ http://www.andrewmartynsugars.me/

⁽²⁾ http://andrewmartynsugars.me/and/statement/