twelve in fourteen

i’m still really not firing on all cylinders today yet. i’d like to be as i really need to add some details here as to what i started over the weekend at the Derbyshire eco centre.

one aspect i’d not put together for myself is that the eco centre is an adult education centre and as such the audience for the spring fair were in learning mode … more so than looking at art mode …

this manifested itself on staurday afternoon when the penny dropped and i realised i was in the middle of education and art … however what did actually happen was that a lot of visitors saw what i was doing, engaged in conversation and devised something for themselves that they lit up about and took their idea away with them. to some extent i will have done the same, once i process what i’m going to take away from it.

i know i have enough material to make another little database narrative film from the weekend and i know that there are at least a couple of things based on straight lines … in amoungst the wigglyness of a setting in nature.

as i prepared to wash dishes today i just had to stop and write so thoughts down, just in case you’re looking at this blog hoping to find out what i want to develop further from the research i made at the weekend.

my luxury today was a sausage sandwich and a coffee in a quiet corner watching the world go by. a simple pleasure was all i needed for lunch after my three days on site at the derbyshire eco centre.

the weekend was the centre’s spring fair with theme of wood and water. i was working in the wood and a few times it rained so i was certainly on theme. generally though the weather was rather lovely.

i have a lot to reflect upon after the weekend and i’m at an early point of that. however i’m actually rather tired today so am taking it easy for the next couple of days.

i’ve proposed a development of the work made at the eco centre for an opportunity recently applied for and i’m happy to say that i’m connecting with what i want to develop. i’ve posted some images from the weekend that went onto my twitter feed and my plan is to write more about the weekend and my reflections about it later in the week.

i’ve noticed i’m happier when i wave my arms around than when i don’t.

i’ve noticed that typing severly reduces my opportunitiy to wave my arms about, as i prefer doing it when talking face to face.

of the successful attempts to do things this year, the majority have involved arm waving. there is a fledgling thought … i can sense it …

upon reflection the successful go and see bursary application did involve some arm waving with the other members of the group and i certainly waved my arms when the group we had hoped to go and see came back with a big fat no. in fairness there was a follow up email a week later that said “well maybe … if you can send us more information about yourselves…”

i’ve been very careful in the group to maintain steady sustainable growth. in the needing to research another group to visit, the playing cards have rather all been thrown into the air. settling is occurring and what is left is starting to emerge. it’s all ongoing so i’m going to go through stuff before writing about it …

after my Monday night wobble, my personal life playing cards are settling and i’m starting to see better where everything is. i’m moving house. i’m shedding a life’s worth of memories so that i can once again grow and evolve and adapt. my editing of my life is a personal process however there are pieces of video being made that might make it out into a wider context.

i’m making an interactive installation at the end of the month at the Derbyshire eco centre. i’m looking forward to the opportunity.

sometime before Christmas last year i started following niall Doherty ‘s round the world journey. his modus operandi is not to fly. i found him by chance, after researching living with little or no possessions. niall’s journey is an easy to follow journey …

while in my first year on the degree, i actively rejected “being on a journey”. i look back on the that time now and reflect that i denied to myself that i was on one too … i denied it as i didn’t know where i was going. i thought i did, after all i explained to people that i was on a degree to get myself from a technical circle to a creative circle. i got confirmation that these are different after watching what artists do all day with the photographer Alfred (sorry forget his second name) i saw just how different they are. in the programme during a rare stop for coffee he explained why he used a technician. if you’ve not seen the programme his answer was because in the field using a technician allowed him to remain in his creative frame of mind and not be bothered by technical things.

following another unsuccessful residency application i have started to ask myself if indeed i’m just a technician with ideas above my station. this is of course a little excessive as i have had some limited success with my ideas. and there’s the crux … my ideas. that’s why i wanted to export myself from the tech circle, so the things i made were from my ideas. and there’s the present crux … what are my ideas ? there’s also the crux of my present stalling … my ideas aren’t communicated very well.

i looked at the website for the two artists chosen for the residencies that i’d applied for. i can immediately see why i didn’t get chosen, my site is very local, not national or international as the two chosen are. i like my site, it reflects me and reflects what i do. i like discovery and there are things to be discovered, a deliberate strategy for the site.

i start to be objective about myself.

coming late to making my own work … has this been a description or an excuse ?

playful … ?

transition ?

possible futures ?

discovery ?

pattern ?

politics of play ?

there will be more …

i see that my written language is very local. i had this confirmed a couple of years ago … i resisted it and refuted it but you know what … maybe i am local.

maybe i’ve been dreaming of being the person i thought i might be … maybe i’ve been missing out on me, who i am … skilled and talented and dsylexic.

being dsylexic isn’t an excuse, it’s real. in being a technician i’d placed a coping mechanism in for something i didn’t know i had. i provided myself with a skill that others would book me to deploy, just as i’d seen with the photoshop tech in the programme. in removing myself from that tech circle i can see now that i exposed myself to myself … i am the originator of my own vulnerability.

so here i am … on my journey.

tonight i am sitting reflecting that i have possibly been trying to journey to a place that i would not get to because i had set off in a misguided manner. it had been making me unhappy. it had been making me anxious.

i watch small video excepts from nial’s journey. his big plan for this year is to get to brazil for the world cup. he’ll do it to as he seems to be able to get done what he want’s to do.

this evening i don’t know where i’m going. i know i don’t want to go along the path i had been, for it made me unhappy, anxious and fearful of myself.

and so … i place … a post … in my journey.