twelve in fourteen

my luxury today was a sausage sandwich and a coffee in a quiet corner watching the world go by. a simple pleasure was all i needed for lunch after my three days on site at the derbyshire eco centre.

the weekend was the centre’s spring fair with theme of wood and water. i was working in the wood and a few times it rained so i was certainly on theme. generally though the weather was rather lovely.

i have a lot to reflect upon after the weekend and i’m at an early point of that. however i’m actually rather tired today so am taking it easy for the next couple of days.

i’ve proposed a development of the work made at the eco centre for an opportunity recently applied for and i’m happy to say that i’m connecting with what i want to develop. i’ve posted some images from the weekend that went onto my twitter feed and my plan is to write more about the weekend and my reflections about it later in the week.

i’ve noticed i’m happier when i wave my arms around than when i don’t.

i’ve noticed that typing severly reduces my opportunitiy to wave my arms about, as i prefer doing it when talking face to face.

of the successful attempts to do things this year, the majority have involved arm waving. there is a fledgling thought … i can sense it …

upon reflection the successful go and see bursary application did involve some arm waving with the other members of the group and i certainly waved my arms when the group we had hoped to go and see came back with a big fat no. in fairness there was a follow up email a week later that said “well maybe … if you can send us more information about yourselves…”

i’ve been very careful in the group to maintain steady sustainable growth. in the needing to research another group to visit, the playing cards have rather all been thrown into the air. settling is occurring and what is left is starting to emerge. it’s all ongoing so i’m going to go through stuff before writing about it …

after my Monday night wobble, my personal life playing cards are settling and i’m starting to see better where everything is. i’m moving house. i’m shedding a life’s worth of memories so that i can once again grow and evolve and adapt. my editing of my life is a personal process however there are pieces of video being made that might make it out into a wider context.

i’m making an interactive installation at the end of the month at the Derbyshire eco centre. i’m looking forward to the opportunity.

sometime before Christmas last year i started following niall Doherty ‘s round the world journey. his modus operandi is not to fly. i found him by chance, after researching living with little or no possessions. niall’s journey is an easy to follow journey …

while in my first year on the degree, i actively rejected “being on a journey”. i look back on the that time now and reflect that i denied to myself that i was on one too … i denied it as i didn’t know where i was going. i thought i did, after all i explained to people that i was on a degree to get myself from a technical circle to a creative circle. i got confirmation that these are different after watching what artists do all day with the photographer Alfred (sorry forget his second name) i saw just how different they are. in the programme during a rare stop for coffee he explained why he used a technician. if you’ve not seen the programme his answer was because in the field using a technician allowed him to remain in his creative frame of mind and not be bothered by technical things.

following another unsuccessful residency application i have started to ask myself if indeed i’m just a technician with ideas above my station. this is of course a little excessive as i have had some limited success with my ideas. and there’s the crux … my ideas. that’s why i wanted to export myself from the tech circle, so the things i made were from my ideas. and there’s the present crux … what are my ideas ? there’s also the crux of my present stalling … my ideas aren’t communicated very well.

i looked at the website for the two artists chosen for the residencies that i’d applied for. i can immediately see why i didn’t get chosen, my site is very local, not national or international as the two chosen are. i like my site, it reflects me and reflects what i do. i like discovery and there are things to be discovered, a deliberate strategy for the site.

i start to be objective about myself.

coming late to making my own work … has this been a description or an excuse ?

playful … ?

transition ?

possible futures ?

discovery ?

pattern ?

politics of play ?

there will be more …

i see that my written language is very local. i had this confirmed a couple of years ago … i resisted it and refuted it but you know what … maybe i am local.

maybe i’ve been dreaming of being the person i thought i might be … maybe i’ve been missing out on me, who i am … skilled and talented and dsylexic.

being dsylexic isn’t an excuse, it’s real. in being a technician i’d placed a coping mechanism in for something i didn’t know i had. i provided myself with a skill that others would book me to deploy, just as i’d seen with the photoshop tech in the programme. in removing myself from that tech circle i can see now that i exposed myself to myself … i am the originator of my own vulnerability.

so here i am … on my journey.

tonight i am sitting reflecting that i have possibly been trying to journey to a place that i would not get to because i had set off in a misguided manner. it had been making me unhappy. it had been making me anxious.

i watch small video excepts from nial’s journey. his big plan for this year is to get to brazil for the world cup. he’ll do it to as he seems to be able to get done what he want’s to do.

this evening i don’t know where i’m going. i know i don’t want to go along the path i had been, for it made me unhappy, anxious and fearful of myself.

and so … i place … a post … in my journey.

one aspect of applying for opportunities is unsuccess. it’s something we all know and all accept. in the beginning it’s all too easy to get down about it.

this morning over on the corridor arts Facebook profile channel i saw an image expressing that process in a diagram form, from an established artist. it was a huge revelation, someone i perceive as being beyond the emotional complexity of rejection putting something out there that suggests that it’s just the same, even when there has been much success.

and it’s success that makes all the difference.

i’ve been successful in one of the recent applications. on behalf of the corridor arts iniative i applied for a go and see bursary. it was a team effort and it’ll be a team benefit when we go and see a group in preparing for a project funding application for an outdoor project. i think there will be further news of this very soon.

i worked hard in the first two months of the year to make the applications and having a success is such a boost. and the process continues.

i’ve found another two opportunities to add to the one i knew of before christimas. the new two are developmental opportunities that don’t initially carry monitary gain, however for my practice offer a step towards realising a new body of work. one of the two is offering help with developing the successful applicant’s ideas and helping with a gfa application. this is a slow burn however i see this is an attractive opportunity and with hard work it has the potential to develop into something benefical for all connected with it.

additionally at the local pub level it looks like i’ve picked up yet another opportuntity to make something. the ambition of this project is quite something and there is the desire from the commissioning group to do it properly and pay me for my time to realise their brief. this will involve a yet to be made funding application and i’m really comfortable with that as i’ve overcome the inherent urge to be doing something next week and how that blinds me to longer term opportunities.

i’ve been reminded of how things do take time to come to fruition by wandering down sadler gate in derby. i was part of a group that did some artistic endeavours in that place in 2009. there was a kind of management structure for the street whose job it was to reinvigorate the street by attracting in their desired shops. now in 2014 sadler gate is starting to look something like the management imagined back in 2009.

i started this post with a focus on unsuccess of applying. on reflection the process of unsuccess is as important to the practice as the research and making of the work. i state this because in the process of applying it’s a chance to air the thoughts and ideas behind something new. it’s risky because it stands to be unsuccessful but then for a moment stop and think about how many attempted works are unsuccessful in the studio too. in the studio we take what we have learnt and re-apply the knowledge. i can see now that the same can be said for the process of applying for opportunities.