twelve in fourteen

i’m in the mood for love… who sang that? quite a lot of people actually⁽¹⁾ where did it begin? difficult to pin down until i read the lines of description.

as a citizen of the earth i enjoy the interconnectivity with the past and the present. i am not alone.

i don’t feel like an artist today.

oh god am i going to make some god awful self deriding boring blog post?

there’s a chance of that.

however there’s something inside that stirs. is it pride? is it self worth? is it self value? is it pleasure in being retweeted by Emily speed and susan jones getting involved in the discussion?

i tweeted about the art eco system diagram from 2004^.(2) susan told me that it’s from the taste bud report and used in a-n’s trade off report too. the diagram describes the rise of the artist through their career. the diagram begins on the right and works to the left, a very curious arrangement given that our culture has a convention of reading left to right implying progress. the diagram implies a backwards projection.⁽³⁾

the diagram was used as reference material in the dodge the shredder workshop yesterday. it was interesting and i heard new ideas however i have had a personal cost as a result and have attempted to deal with this today.

i dealt with the result of the first application on Wednesday. at the time my over riding optimism was questioned as i realised the potential for spending a year being disappointed. my experience on Thursday has left me questioning myself again. i do wonder if i should just give up. stop. do nothing.

but there lies the personal paradox. i find it difficult to do nothing.

but in doing something, making, creating, what am i saying? is it simply that i’d rather do this than be a bored vegetable or commenting on the futility of human form relative to the complexity and vastness of the ecosystem of the planet on which we exist? or am i saying that life is amazing and there is so much that we don’t know that we don’t know about it and in that vastness there is beauty in the small moments of discovery…. an aesthetic of discovery.

if i was cleverer with words, well if i was not dsylexic, i’d be able to construct something very poetic about the deep core self worth issues that i perceive that i have and in attempting to communicate to find reason and meaning somehow incite others to act in a manner that proliferates that perceived core.

oh god i’m going off into dark territory again.

i read that artist statements are bland and meaningless and full of meaningless drivel⁽⁴⁾ is this because the art ecosystem prefers the artist to hide themselves in palatable phrases that articulate importance through depersonalised statements? when in the art world does a peirs linney come along and offer a chance that the peter joneses of the planet refuse to accept exist?⁽⁵⁾

i find myself thinking differently and talking differently. often in seminars and workshops (that are regularly run) the leader saying “oh i’ve not been asked that before” or “that’s the first time that’s happened.” when i fully engage.

so am i without sufficient skill to be able to express myself visually …. or is that i simply haven’t got the discipline to stick at one thing for long enough. what makes someone an artist and someone not an artist. i wonder am i just thinking i am an artist because when i get bored i make things, what is it that sets me apart from someone else. is it the idea?

the idea when thinking about funding is everything. it starts with it and finishes with the evaluation of the idea knowing what has happened. it sounds all so simple.

so why am i feeling so incapable?

what do i love?

is my making not getting critisiced? are all those “umm sounds interesting” comments code for don’t bother, i don’t care. if that’s the case, is it time to stop?

(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I’m_in_the_Mood_for_Love

(2) <blockquote lang=”en”><p>art eco system from 2004 <a href=”http://t.co/iilxSPlgLT”>http://t.co/iilxSPlgLT</a> emergence takes at least 10 years.</p>&mdash; andrew martyn sugars (@andrewsugars) <a href=”https://twitter.com/andrewsugars/statuses/434371734758649857″>February 14, 2014</a></blockquote>

<script async src=”//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>

(3) http://www.yproductions.com/imagebank/art_ecosystem_model.jpg

(4) https://www.facebook.com/matthew.collings1/posts/1…

(5) http://www.bhangra.org/dragons-den-star-piers-linn…

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i spoke last year with an artist who at the time claimed he never fully finished any of his works. i’ve wondered if this was a good thing or a bad thing. while we chatted my gut feeling was that if nothing was ever fully concluded, how would one move on?

what actually does move on mean ? is it more a case of evolving one’s thoughts about one’s practice through the completion of successive intents.

in my endeavour to complete 12 applications this year i’m finding a need to have certain aspects of my practice resolved to point at a point when the work will be viewed and stands as a statement that i want to make at that time.

i’ve learnt of when the first application will be looked at, it’s tomorrow. today i’ve installed the latest evolution of my website homepage⁽¹⁾ and i’m really rather pleased with it.

one other aspect of my website i’ve been considering for sometime is the statement. having followed the Facebook thread (mentioned in a previous post) re artist statements i’ve been mind full of avoiding the over waffly version. i know where my over waffly version originates … it’s from an anxiety about what i say has a level of intellectual weight that i read in books about artists from whom we have learnt so much from their practice course. it’s an easy trap to fall into.

in thinking and considering the aspects of artist statement while making applications i am very aware that the statement is very much for each opportunity. therefore i’ve attempted to find an over riding statement within which i have the space in which to explore what interests me. i’ve made some descisions and today am happy with what i’ve decided. i’ve taken on board points raised in the Facebook thread and remained true to me. so today i’m happy to have resolved it.⁽²⁾

there’s the dodge the shredder event in Leicester on Thursday. it’s an event in which applications are looked at, considered and feedback given. i’m a little apprensive about doing this, simply from a point of view of vunerablitity. i have three applications on the go at the moment so know which i’ll look at first and maybe if there’s a chance look at the others too. i’m looking forward to getting out and meeting new people.

so reflecting upon the not finishing… my personal view of this today is that it’s healthy to be able to feel that something is finished to a point that it needs to be when seen by others. maybe for this reason i’m unsure about Thursday. time will tell and i walk head held high towards the unknown.

⁽¹⁾ http://www.andrewmartynsugars.me/

⁽²⁾ http://andrewmartynsugars.me/and/statement/

i’m working hard at being patient to hear about the outcome of the first application. this is not easy as i’m impatient to find out wether i’ll be taking the yes fork or the no fork.

my work today included a timely catch up with a very old friend. we have a pick up where we left off thing going on. in our walk and talk date i managed to talk about my plans to make the applications this year. i’ve found another one this week and there are two more potentials in the offing. our meetings become like barometers, i’m happy to report that mine is looking healthier and more resilient.

back in social media, email land my inbox still didn’t have any notification. non plused i strove into Facebook land to fill some time with something interesting. once again within mathew collings threads was one where he’d posted the inequality of american wealth infographic video. i like infographic videos a lot.

i’d seen the video last October. i remember discussing a work in response to it at a portfolio day. i was prepared for the thread today.

i was surprised at the comments and attitudes in it. another video came to mind featuring alan watts. i remembered it seemed to be relevant to the infograhic video. in the video watts talks of many things, including his theory about why everything is wiggly. the video can be watched on you tube.⁽¹⁾ listening to watts i felt a centred calmness.

this week has also been good for working on the developing mentoring service that i want to offer. we’ve found that there is little provision for mentoring in derbyshire so i’ve been working to set myself as someone who can offer an online based service. i think the beauty the service is it’s geographically independent ness ness. i’ve been working with some individuals to gain experience after having taken some training from a mentoring organisation. i’m at a point of writing up the website words to communicate what the service is prospective clients. i have my own take on what mentoring is and this is explained on the site. the service will be communicated about through the corridor arts organisation. we already run quarterly peer to peer meetings and this 1:1 service can be viewed as an extension of those meetings. i’ll post links to the website when all is complete and ready to go.

before Christmas i spoke of an optimism i felt, i still have that feeling today.

i’m starting to be able to see with my eyes closed.

^(1). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pe2u9_eqLfA&list=P…

i finding that my renewed interest in applying for opportunities is having a positve impact on my mediation tools.

in considering my applications i’m reflecting upon my practice and my evidence of practice, as this goes a long way to back up current approaches and ideas. this is at least my perception of how things work.

interesetingly at a time when my statement is under scrutiny an interesting status update appeared on mathew collings facebook profile just after 11 oclock on Saturday night. his post was

Artists statements…why? ⁽¹⁾

i followed the thread as it emerged and have today made some contributions. there seems to be something hidden within the thread, the like of which i can’t identify. it’s been an interesting thread to follow as i’ve been devising a way of keeping integrity within my statement and leave the audence with space i desire for them.

in researching for another opportunity i came across a work by Jeremy deller that seemed to be speaking of the angst of our time ⁽²⁾

so i added it to the collings thread. i was eventually told to chill out and stop posting. to which i replied that i was chilled and i’ll not post anything for a while.

in other research i found the work of bram vreven. video below.

⁽¹⁾ https://www.facebook.com/matthew.collings1/posts/10151997059663650

⁽²⁾ http://www.artnet.com/auctions/artists/jeremy-deller/a-range-rover-crushed-and-made-into-a-bench

number one has been sent.

oh what a lovely line and it’s about the first application of the twelve. the moments before it went i pushed myself through the metaphorical funnel to make sure all was well it with and it was the best i could make it.

in recent days i’ve been reflecting about wether to disclose what i’m applying for as i go through the year. there is an obvious paradox here… if successful i’ll get to write about how the opportunity develops and if unsuccessful … well there’s nothing more to say about that and simply to carry on the thoughts and ideas and vision to another application. i have thought i might list all the applications i made in the year at the end of the year. i’ll make use of unpublished posts to list internally when i made the applications.