twelve in twenty

where to start ?

at home, sofa bound for now looking at my laptop screen – the elephant in the room being so big it’s affecting everyone.

the first track is helping me to reduce the scale and reflect on where i find myself today – at home with all the family, newly arranged plants on the dining room window sill looking inviting and aesthetically pleasing in the sun.

so at this point i want to put down my laptop spread the entire living room floor with a massive sheet and throw paint around – for no other reason than i’m having to work so hard at holding it together at the moment. agggghhhhhhhh aggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh fdsjguewqfqnvevbei vu3h83nuc 221-1u38591y18§. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

two and a half months into having a studio space and later today i’ll be collecting resources from it to be able to work from home again.   i have absolutely no idea if i’ll be able to do the work i need to do because the rest of the family are also at home and have their own projects to do keep their lives going.

i want to be the person on the roof arms outstretched looking skyward and dancing to the beat.

as i now bounce my head to the beat tears emerge and i close my eyes.  the camera shot pulls out and the city skyline appears.  i’m so being taken back to another time by listening to track 4 and it feels so much of a release.  through the tears i look again at the sun drenched window sill.  the beat kicks back in …

from this low point i can pick myself up.  its the new norm isn’t it.  the frequency of low points being way higher now.

its a covd-19 planet for now.

so many questions being rapidly asked.

of myself i’m asking new questions of myself about my disability.

last friday with self care in mind after speaking with a male friend i really value, i took myself and the dog out for a walk.  it wasn’t the first time i was aware of the reduced road noise in the fields near where we live.

the disruption of what life was to what it is now, albeit temporarily, is causing those close to me concern, anxiety and stress.  all of which i have done my best to support.  for the coming days and weeks i hope that all three might reduce as we all research what life now might be like.

there are some very fast out the blocks ideas for things to do to “deal with the boredom.”  my personal view of this is these additional things to do are likely to be more needed in a couple of weeks time.  at home we’ve witnessed emotional times akin to grieving .

we have twins who were until last week expecting to sit gcse exams later this year.  a whole other layer of support.

earlier i spoke about the realisation of the reduced noise out in the fields.  this and a zoom meeting with 5 people on friday have left me feeling more connected to my needs as a person with dsylexia.  i still don’t fully understand how it affects me as up to monday of last week i have been continually putting effort into being part of the thing that is life around me.  now what life is has been infected, i find myself with space to be.

while out on my routine building dog walks i’ve started to imagine a work – non linear – in which i explore, research and express what my dsylexia is.

listening to the patrick stuart speaking shakespeare on twitter i connected to how the actor delivery speed of text helps me to stay with whats being said.  the zoom call last week demonstrated the antithesis of this.

i wonder about zoom based peer to peer meetings …

i’ve been composing this for so long that the track playing is 12a.  i’m feeling quite pleased with myself as i have come up with an idea.  the non linear work can be started during my covid 19 residency.   i think i need to make this idea open source so others can be part of the their own covid 19 residency.

i speak of my covid 19 residency like i have no other projects happening.  this is so not the case.  there are some that are on temporary hold and i look forward to doing what research i can for these.  the main commission i have for the museum of making can be still worked on at home and later today i will need to begin negotiating with the family about how might i work at home in a way in which it doesn’t inconvenience or impose on them.  i need to be gentle here as they are still coming to terms with their own altered circumstances.

just with any new residency, i need to work out where i am, when the toilet is available,  availability of workspace, where i can go to  think, what i might research and most importantly, what the other people here are like.

#optimism is high.

these are words i need to set down in this moment as my mind is a wash with thoughts with no outlet.

this morning i saw a tweet about a man who was not at a football match because since the last home game he took his own life.

we live at a time where the newly developing corona virus is starting to cause concerns and issues – monies being out laid with prospect of the intended return not being realised.

in my own land i’ve tried to raise a flag to alert those around me of m y situation.  i really just need to talk, but there’s no one available to listen.

i’m not surprised there’s so much male suicide – any suicide actually – as it’s possible to go for months asking for what you need from others and the others not being able to give that.

anecdotal research needing to be replaced with qualitative work.

the land i’m in at the moment is familiar.  historically then scenery shifts and all becomes ok again.  there is an orbit though.  it takes effort to maintain the same orbit.

what happens when orbit maintaining fails ?

i can only look to others for the answers or the energy to maintain it.

energy from within ?  yes.  tiring and hinders progress.  another circle.

part of life.

perhaps nothing can be done.

apply the support.   dig deep inside.  be ever optimistic.

try to relax.

try to be in the moment.

feel feet on the ground.

arse in the seat.

the back supporting weight.

listen to breath and a rumbling stomach.  cars outside the window.

calming.

slowing.

easing the self talk.

easing the obsessiveness of the finding a solution of the thing that is out of ones sphere.  being able to wait.  being able to be calm.  being able to wait to be heard. to trust that there will be someone who listens and doesn’t take away the thing you want to do.

to be encouraged.

to feel self worth.

to feel a part of a supportive team, where talking about what is problematic is ok and supported.

to carry on, smiling,  like nothing actually is the matter … all is ok.