twelve in twenty

sitting with an unsettled feeling following a recent interview i return to this space to collect and reflect about recent times.  there’s been a workshop/discussion around compassion and family in isolation and all that comes with that.

the interview was for a socially engaged project.  i’m yet to hear the outcome so for now i sit with the experience and the feelings from it.

another topic within recent discussions is vulnerability.  as a society are we conditioned to see this as a weakness ?  certainly with a community building project i would see this as a strength.  the task of the project being to build an environment where those taking part are at ease enough to be able to show it.

in recent months both my practice and myself has been through things that before covid i would not have imagined as happening.  on my main website i want to update “about me”  to reflect this and be an accurate and up to date about me.

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recently i’ve also talked about a non art project that i was interested in running but failed to get traction with it because i lacked the confidence in myself to get it started – despite several organisations expressing interest and willingness to fund.  how might that have turned out if i was able to be supported from the point i opened up my vulnerability to the possibility that i simply needed a bit of support and encouragement?

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so post breakfast sandwich with coffee i sit looking out the front window and musing what was, what is and what might be.

i am connected to my inner self and in turn listening to what it’s telling my intellectual self.

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i now start to reflect on framework.  recently i’ve been introduced to eco feminism as a theoretical framework.  the notion of a framework that helps support thinking, dialogue and creativity is starting to appeal to me as a means to communicate about myself and my practice.  in the recent interview having this framework to draw upon miight have been helpful for those doing the interview.

i’ve seen how the need for those commissioning to have a known outcome at the start of their project can radically hold back the potential of the achievement of the project.  being overly passionate becoming a strangle hold on the situation.  time will tell about the outcome of the interview.  writing this is helping to processing the experience.

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this morning i’m also coming to terms with the frustrations i’ve been experiencing while working alongside another person on a development project – non art but with creative undertones.  the relationship we have is based in friction and all the way through the process i’ve maintained how i want to work – as they have too.  this morning i have to say i’ve thrown the metaphoric arms up and said you know what – if you need this this much you’re welcome to it.  i’ve been worn down by you enough that i don’t have the energy or willingness to keep challenging your beliefs now.

where this last point leaves me becomes a point of interest and development – potentially somewhere new.

— image here that gives me licence to link back to the title of the post —

within the about me update i intend to start to explore a theoretical framework for myself and my practice – something that is absolutely underpinned by practice – so the theoretical framework over time becomes a practical statement of intent.

something that is regularly discussed in our house is gender – the language of it and the pronouns of it.  until yesterday it had happened around me and i’d been taking part in the discussion yet not fully engaged with the implications, meaning and practicalities.

for the first time within an online meeting context i’ve been invited to display my name along with my preferred pronouns.   being invited set me thinking.  at first not too seriously and this got me into trouble at home.  so i dived feet first into the consideration of my own gender by stating my preferred pronouns as they / them.

the meeting was an online crit and in line with other groups where vulnerabilities are discussed have chosen to reflect upon the meeting from a personal experiential point of view.

the largest question i took away from the session for myself was wether the term multidisciplinary was the most accurate of all the disciplinary options available.  i think it is.

i experienced how i was one of the only participants who didn’t refer to a book in some way.  i do read despite my disability.  it was an eye opener about the importance of  reading.

i also experienced how there was a gentle migration through curiosity to time based media and an interesting discussion around that.

and the big one.  imposter syndrome.  i sit with this too because of the lineage of my practice – i’m practicing in a way now with much more connection to intention and expression than i did before my degree.  before my degree i might have been an artist but never felt like one.  i’m pleased to say now that as my confidence and belief in myself grows i’m becoming more and more at ease of saying the word artist and applying it to myself.

connected to the belief in my artist practice i’m starting to listen to myself about development steps that need to be taken.  my development is slow because i generate a lot of noise for myself to consider – the curiosity in things leading me to connected yet not obviously to investigations.  i’ve recently missed a deadline for a submission to something that actually had really lit me up.

note to self – be kind to yourself.

my experience of being part of the session has been a positive one.  it’s confirmed for me that i can do this, be this, be successful – at a time of life that society would have had me traditionally being written off and sidelined.  oh look i’m starting to open up about my elephant in the room, highlighted by the fact that i’ve a history of digging up and reforming my practice foundations over the years.  i connect with how i limit myself through my thinking – perceptions playing too large a part in influencing the way i think and allow myself to be.  this train of thought takes me way back to a young age where my developing brain was influenced in a manner that continues to limit me now.  through being kind to myself and creating space to try, then maybe i can reprogram that deep routed routine.

if i can’t reprogram – it’ll then be about working with it and accepting it.

i add reprogram to variables – from a recent set of thoughts.

i sense if i can hold everything in one place at one time and make sense of it – my true practice potential will emerge.  i have got something to say.  i do have the ability to say it.