twelve in twenty

time to make some reflective contribution to my blog.  it’s thursday morning, there’s four us in the house.

we’re all waiting on the results of a covid test made on tuesday.  one of us had the test.  since the test another one of us has started to show signs of a rash on their forearm.  this morning i’ve learnt how back in mid july research was published into the fourth sympton of covid-19 being a rash.

72 hours ago our week was looking very different.

back then i was in a different head space.  i’d found my motivation again, i was intent on packing up the temporary studio at home – at last we would be able to eat at the dining table and i was with a sense of new start and progression.

by teatime this was different.

long story short, one of us had a covid test tuesday lunchtime, we began isolating and now we wait for the result – to inform us of what we need to do next.

after the test took place i found myself quickly adapting – again.  all the way through lockdown i felt i missed out on the everything normal has been taken away from me all i can realistically do is sit on the sofa and binge watch something.  to be honest i was relieved there was a short period of time where i could hold my hands up and say “this is my time guys.”

now as i sit listening to brecha and pausing momentarily to stare at the view out the window, there’s a feeling of helplessness.  i can do nothing to make the situation better – other than listen to how the rash is feeling and reassuring that the teams session will be there at some point and why not send a message so they know you’re here.

so there’s the baseline for today as adult at home.  what of andrew as the creative practioner – the artist ?  what is my duty at this time to highlight or express ?

i’ll be honest with you – i am searching…  searching for answers that are for questions i can’t quite yet articulate for myself.

thoughts of squirrel on caffine from over the hedge – all over the place.  that’s how it feels for me.

i look around and see how the norm is and how well that works.  i’m thinking here of the artist, their statement, their intent, their work.  i feel compelled to reject that as ti gives me the space to explore for myself – yet in doing this it leaves me potentially very isolated.

i’m interested in what the potential of timeplacespace.net might be.  that has come in from nowhere – it’s how the triggered thinking thing goes down for me.

i sense there is something unresolved within my physci.  how to explain.  compression comes to mind.  when compressing a liquid of gas the material forces itself out of any part of the container where weakness is.  i don’t think it’s weakness for me and it’s not something i’ve ever particularly spoken of before.

it might be a processing intensity thing.  when working on a particular thing to understand it, work with it there comes a point where the intensity of that work becomes too much and another thing to think about need s to be found – like an island of fresh thought.

and then there’s poetic thought.  the inner world seen externally.

i start to wonder if i fully embrace my wonderful inner world and seek to constantly share that through visual ideas.   there’s immediately an awareness that i do encounter mental hurdles.

standing back from that statement for a moment as there was one starting to happen as i started to get in full flow.  what was it ?  it felt like an extra thread of thought happening simultaneously that countered what i was on at the time.  if it was about scale – the second thread looked to dwarf the first.  if it was about luminosity – the second thread looked to be brighten than the first – to over power it.

it came from something subconscious.

the music i’m listening to becomes relevant –  it’s something i know, it makes me feel good when i listen to it and i actually really like it.  it grounds me.

momentarily i’m taken out of composing – an apology comes in for an earlier snappyness.  i acknowledge the apology and praise the awareness and than thank for it.

working at home has been like this for the last 6 months.  i roll with what happens and remain calm.

there’s one more prepared image to place into the post :

i feel the need to talk about the 8 line images.  they are an example of my placing poetic meaning onto something that was made originally in response to an idea and refining it to make the visual outcome more pleasing.

in the squirrel on coffee mode i have ideas and spend time realising them.  what then tends to happen is i am slow to find the poetic meaning of what i have made.  i merely present it as something i have done/made/realised.  i witness for myself how depending on the character and interests of the person i talk to about what it is in terms of the actuality of what it is – the conversation is either near non  existant or relatively short.

in placing poetic meaning upon something, that something becomes something else.  here lies something i become aware of – it’s an internal thing at the moment that i can’t begin to express.

my role therefore as an artist is to be aware of the internal poetics of my life and share that in ways that set up internal poetics for others.

i am having a conversation with myself here that i’m able to have because i’m sharing it with you.  i invite you to time travel with me back to this point in time that i am writing this while listening to brecha.

i observe the feeling in me of being assured enough of the internal poetics and confident enough to share that moment sometime later.  again time travelling forward while in the motion of creating the poetic expression of my moment.

my thoughts wander to the nature of the poetics.  selfish poetics  or shared ?

i hear the kettle starting to boil and the sound of the coffee tin lid landing on the work surface.

the coffee was accomapnied by two pains au chocolate freshly cooked – i’d been smelling something, not realising what it was.

as i ate, i reflected on the inner poetics and started to muse what has been going on for me that has meant i have been reluctant to run with this more.  thoughts of vulnerability come to mind, thoughts of lack of encouragement to self express when younger.  oh no… the dreaded memory of sat on a stool being lectured about standing up for myself.  little did that person realise the damage being done in the moment of what i have to see as a sincere moment of  trying to help and support.

those times are no longer travel-able to so there is still work to be done in the present to neutralise the effect.

i dive straight in with the help of this video

i discovered the videos by magnus over 10 years ago and i actually had genuine results when using the technique.  the memory of something still exists but the feelings associated with the memory are reduced and even removed.  the physical nature of the process works for me and it’s something i can self administer.  i’ve even used the technique in high stress/anxiety situations to help to calm myself down better to cope.

the tapping is tiring and rewarding.

writing this post has been so helpful, i’m so pleased i used this morning prior to results coming out to reflect and record.

in time there is work to do. for the next few hours i join everyone else in the house awaiting the results of the covid-19 test.

take care, keep safe.

andrew.

—–update—-

the test result came back : negative.

so here we are, near end of august, weather is wet and warm – as normal.  the chimney has been swept today a normal thing for this time of year.  we have plans for a curry tonight, one of our normal meal choices for a friday.

i’m here to write a blog post, another normal occurrence.

i’m avoiding the elephant in the room…

it’s far from normal.

today i’ve been working at rounding out the budget of my covid-19 emergency fund from the arts council and submitting to an online exhibition about works made in the last few months about the pandemic.

so what’s the emergency funded time been like?

well i began with a little an often plan.  this worked well, helping me get through the difficult early days of lockdown.  the plan had to adapt once i was in full flow with working with the contributed content to walking through.

concentrating my efforts and thoughts on walking through was a good thing to experience.  prior to lockdown my workload was such that i was jumping between multiple projects and reflecting upon that now i can see how the jumping between was a source of unhappiness as depending where in the cycle i was there was always something that felt like it really needed attention.

returning to the last few months, i’m in a place in my practice that i can say i wouldn’t have been in before the pandemic started.  the pandemic and specifically the need to apply for financial help through the arts council emergency fund for individuals has had a positive influence.  in part because at the point of needing to apply i had a clear idea of what i needed to do – what would help me to plan for the future.

for part of the research i leant on a past experience – a being in the moment experience – to help ground myself.  in seeing this research through i’ve been through a lot of personal upheaval that i really didn’t expect.  to some extent this was work i needed to do yet had never given myself space and time to do so.

the research i’ve done so far has got me roughly to where i said i wanted to get to in the proposal.  what is unexpected is the notion to continue to play and research as i think there’s a work to emerge from some continued research beyond the time afforded by the grant.

and so to walking through…

when i set out to create this work i couldn’t have imagined how it was going to turn out.  i wanted to work with a community to create a lens on the time of the pandemic and those early lockdown months.

there were two really stressful periods of time.  the first was in creating the invitation to contribute and the second was the distribution of the work and wether anyone would watch it.

the reactions from those who got in touch has blown me away.  so many over whelming positive responses and so many very personal stories of how they experienced the work and how this had touched them in some way.  i have to add that in finishing the work off to share online i was filled with a huge sense of pride – the like of which i’ve been missing for a while.

of course the stress and worry about wether what i wrote would attract any contributions was unfounded.  i do expect that i will always get a little stressy  where invitational words are concerned.

so here i am.  another friday during pandemic, raining outside and coming to the end of the working week.  i’m going to miss the new normal of working through the pandemic thanks to the covid-19 emergency fund for individuals grant.  the legacy of the project has set me up for new experiences and new works and i have a warm feeling as i consider that.

thank you for reading along with me.  lets see where the coming months take us both.

keep safe.

andrew. x

hello.  back for another post.  still in a pandemic and still exploring the new areas of life this affords.  this morning i’ve discovered dj hammy on mixcloud.  found mixcloud because of the inclusion mixes moving there.

so sunday morning, i’m waffling a little to cover the on going condition of spending so much time at home – i’m finding it challenging to say the least.  i have been out and about this week – twice to derby in fact.

the projects funded by the arts council emergency fund for individuals are proving their worth in helping me plan for the future – despite a feeling of nothingness when i consider the future beyond a few months.

each of the projects have their own reflective space and in the coming weeks i plan to update them both.  in a nutshell i’ve concentrated on walking through for the last month to bring it to realisation, while prism has remained in my thoughts and i’m looking forward to returning to it.

with prism i’m keen to work up the critical thinking that will under pin the work.

walking through is receiving really good reactions amongst the community of contributors.  that’s what i’ve been doing this week – sharing links for contributions to see how i’ve integrated them into the project.  that phase is about complete, i have a load of notes to impliment.

i find myself considering future plans and i know i need to do something but my options seem limited.  i really do need to hold my nerve in the next few weeks.

what has kept me together over the lockdown period is having work to focus on.  when i let that off and relax to recharge i find myself becoming far to head centric and my mood starts to implode.  over lockdown this has been a cyclic occurrence – maybe a new norm?

in the coming week my plan is to work through the notes i have and work up the website contextualisation for it, embracing all the new things and keeping my head together and safe.

have a great day x.

the little an often strategy has got me through the last few months and this week i’ve had to take steps back from everything for a couple of days to see where i am at the moment.

so what is it i see ?

i see several projects being moved forward a little an often and up to now this has been ok.  this week i needed to step back and listen to what i was telling myself.

the stepping back was also a time to catch up on rest.  while working in lockdown it has become oh to easy to over stretch myself – ” i’ll just do another hour…” working on the dining room table means the studio is constantly a few steps away.

there is a difference to when i used the dining table before i moved into haarlem artspace.  then i would pack everything up at the end of the working day.  somehow in lockdown it’s been accepted by everyone that my studio set up stays on the table and if i’m sat here – i’m working. haarlem is in the process of opening up again for studio work, so soon i’ll need to evaluate if it’s possible to move everything back.  getting there is what i most need to be mindful of.

this morning after two days pottering and starting to create a website page for walking through  i woke early feeling hungry, the sun was coming up and the sight of that made my heart sing.

while eating my porridge with mango yoghurt topping i realised the slightly awkward feeling i’d had for a few days was to with needing to concentrate on one of the projects as it has gotten to that point.

the research i’m currently doing has been made possible by an arts council emergency funding for individuals and i’m really grateful to be able to plan for the future through the realising of prism and walking through.

this morning i have a sense of now is the time to concentrate on walking through to get it to a point where i can share it with those who contributed so they can see how i’ve incorporated their words and images into the interactive documentary (idoc).    an important part of the community building aspect of this socially engaged work.

as the sun rises with amelie lens accompanying my thoughts on what would have been a glastonbury weekend i feel ready to alter my little an often strategy to one of lets see this come to life.  i type that and my thoughts turn to why the little an often strategy was adopted and in so doing wandering what it might be like to spend a fortnight just working on realising one work.  maybe there’s a goal to set once what we can do opens up more.

time will tell.

have a great weekend.