sitting with many feelings set up by the current covid-19 lockdown. one of them to do with the non linear project, one of them about what my need are as 2020 progresses and how might the confinement and isolation residency blog advance today.
my needs for 2020 are around reducing the feeling of intellectual isolation – a need to connect with a community that nurtures me and provides an environment for me to grow further. in my thinking i currently project this out to others to do for me. i admit to myself this isn’t going to work and actually all that happens is i get angrier and unhappier as what i need isn’t being provided by others for me. i could ask – but the communities i’m part of aren’t set up to help me, in fact they are communities that look to help others.
isolation is something i’ve felt for a while so going into lockdown didn’t seem that different at first. i was of course helping and supporting those at home as there were some really big things that took place for them. as this week has go on i’ve felt the effects of the lockdown and an emotional level connected with the feeling of grief over what’s gone away from my life.
i’m waiting now for news of possible lockdown extension – this will help me to relax.
the other news i’m waiting to hear is the if any possible delay to the opening of the museum of making. i have an on going project connected to this site that currently i am still working on on the basis of the timeline remaining unchanged. i hope to hear something in the next few weeks.
i find myself asking those big questions of myself and my practice
- what am i making
- why am i making it
- what happens to it
- who is it for
- what does it do
- does it need to do anything
- why do i feel it necessary to making something that has varying states
- am i expressing anything
- what am i expressing
- where do i fit within the wider community of artists
- do i feel like an artist
- what does an artist feel like
- why do i want to express something anyway
- am i simply doing something to keep my mind active
- what are my needs anyway
- how do all these questions feed into bolstering my confidence
- do i move to support so to avoid making my own decisions and work
- do i care too much about what the outcome will be like and how it might be judged and seen to fit
- am i confident in my own intellectual ability
- what mediums do i want to use
- what is my relationship to the natural world and how might it be represented in my practice output
- where do communities feature in my work – talking to people is something my dsylexia makes me good at.
- am i looking for something in my practice that is rooted in the past and needs to be cleared to free up myself
- how might my dyslexia feed into what i do and influence my confidence
- what other considerations might there be in terms of how my confidence is wobbled
- am i emotionally led rather than intellectually driven
- can an art practice be maintained via emotional drivers alone
- do i feel better for writing all these out
and what of my needs…
to be in a community that gives me a sense of being held. when i add something into the conversation it’s meant with open ness that encourages me to explore it further and see actually is it something i want to investigate to take further? i need somewhere in my life i feel like i can learn again to take risks, to explore why i don’t what to do things – to challenge my own self.
i have work to do.
