University of Derby

this evening i feel down.

not because of some lack of choice of pick and mix at the refectory or even that a one to one that is quite close and might get closer.

it's nothing to do with the like desparates episode in that very refectory this afternoon.

i don't know what it is, causing a down turn.

it might be to do with the dissertation tutorial this afternoon and the marks so far and the enivitability of the end of january and my lack of angle and feeling of dwarftness ness by having to write something that clearly i'm not going to do well at as there are clearly defined conventions about academic writing that i feel i don't understand them as i've not simply been told, do this, do this and do this. gosh i'm a bad 'un. it sounds like i've not been told anything. that's not true, there's been loads told to me.

the problem is a phone call a few years before properly deciding to go and study. in it, some i had worked with and a part time lecturer said in response to something i said "you sound unteachable". it haunts me at these times of doubt.

while down, the thoughts regarding after end of degree weigh heavy. doing the study makes it hard to think of further study. that kind of answers the problem itself.

i don't like the notion of an ma being a way to meet people, as one member of staff put it recently.

with all this weight that i can't hold, i need to sit down.

i'm going to sit down with a cup of tea and a sandwich of protein based product. i hope my mood clears a bit. if it doesn't, i'll hit the alcahol reset button.

december morning.

a saturday. sunshine, wholesome baps, peppery sausages, joy to the world.

i've been responding to that "uping the stakes andrew" conversation during a tutorial.

now time for batch capture, tea and lemon cake.

it's been 9 days since my last blog entry.

i confess to doing things dissertation.i confess to being less stressed now. i confess to having now completed 30% of the context module.

my beans are organic and covered in yogurt.

oh i've missed blogging, the focus on the written work after the presentation presented an opportunity to enjoy preparing at least 1000 words, and in so doing the larger essay doesn't seem so scarey and to boot, i'm researching stuff that i'm interested in, wow it's a help i can tell you.

with tea and music i do have faith in i add my thoughts here and a new image. i like the opportunity to display work alongside the blog words. space is as ever an issue and recently what piece of wall i did have was recycled. it's all part of the relative physical size of practice. i'm over being bothered about the politics of the space. i know there are others on my course that it directly affects on a daily basis, i would be balistic by now if it were me.

umm, time for a cup of tea and more beans : )

lunch time, the day before.

yesterday wasn't too good. working at home today. this time tomorrow the first part of the dissertation will be nearly complete.

i might be a little stressed at the moment.

i'm going to tell you.

have you ever had a conversation that ended "but don't tell your dad" or but don't tell her"? i certainly used to. it didn't help me long term as i had to relearn that when there is a problem, certainly in a relationship, the only person who will help sort the situation is the person with whom the problem is. sorry, i know it's hard, the only constructive way to sort a problem out is to talk to the person concerned.

it's not particle physics.

i have a dissertation presntation on thursday so obviously today i had to go in to return a borrowed book to the person who was not in yesterday to receive the book.

from the book delivery, my time at uni was unhappy. not in an unsetting incident kind of way, but a succession of things that mount to an unhappy state of mind.

and i'm going to tell you as i actually can't tell the person concerned as the person doesn't exist, it's actually a collective known as an institution. and as such i feel justified in writing it here.

there are pressures over space and the usage of it. yes, there are people in "managerial" roles that would rather see a desk and a personal computer with a person working at it, than an open space with work in progress on the floor, walls and easels with no one to be seen as that's the way that art sometimes appears and actually works. those in "managerial" roles pressure lecturing staff, that pressure gets transferred to us the students and suddenly there is an uncomfortable situation. i have talked to a member of staff on another course, it's not just fine art.

and then i hear about our second year that have had to deliver a module without making the work. i don't know the full storey, needless to say the buildings we used are now part of a building programme.

which takes me onto having to ask why contractors are using the student refectory, when they have their own welfare facilities. at least by talking to them, i have made my point. they did eventually see mine.

the great thing about the university is that there is a support mechanism in place to help students. a bit like an art project to help residents affected by a regeneration project. the residents anxiety and unhappiness being generated by the regeneration agency.

so take the family model of keeping information from other family members as there is a percieved notion of the recipient not liking the information, scale it up to institution size and scale it up again to country size, what do we get ? i haven't fully researched that yet. my expected conclusions are unclear. what i would hope is that it wouldn't be a country in which the people running the place clearly are incapable, yet no one says anything about it.