Walking Into the Light

I have been experiencing a feeling of panic this week. I made a rash decision to book my flight to Berlin, just to feel like I was taking decisive action. Anyway, 11th March is the date set for my journey.

Christmas and New year have passed in a blur of food and wine, only to be followed by a hiddeous cough that kept me away from a cold damp studio for a week or so, as did the dreaded Tax Return (fortunately they owe me money). I also had to write quite a big application (for a different project). As a result, I suddenly awoke this week to realise that January was fast ebbing away.

Having said that, my ideas have been firmenting and consolidating in the soup of my brain and since booking my flight, I have a time scale mapped out in my head. My panic now relates to confidence levels, about whether I can realise this work, whether everything will go to plan. I have to employ the stratagey that I advise for my students, “one step at a time”.

I have made some decisions about the materials that I wish to use, this has been troubling me. To resolve this problem I decided to go right back to the earliest sources of the work, photographs taken during my residency in Berlin. Whilst I realised that this work, unlike others that I have made recently, would not be made from collections of found objects, I wanted the materials used to have a similar kind of integrity. I have decided that the large structural elements of the work should be based on the kind of materials used in the Mauer Museum on Bernauer Str. A lot of my early drawings were based on the photographs that I took there. In addition I intend to encorporate Rococco stucco details, reflecting the kind of decoration seen at The Schloss Charlottenburg and Sans Soucci. In this way the work will enbody the central dichotomy of my experience of Berlin.

Last night I watched Waldemar Januszcak’s programme about The Rococco, his words seemed to confirm my own thesis for the work I am making. My thinking was being put into words by Januszcak on screen, very comforting. I felt inspired to execute plans for writing a PhD proposal based on this work. As a bonus, Januszcak visited The Chinese Tea House at Sans Soucci, the ultimate physical example of my concepts regarding our relationship with the exotic.

Really I should be very excited about all of this, well, writing this has made me so.

After a long period of waiting, I finally know what the dates for my show in Berlin next year will be. The sense of relief is palpable, even though I knew that the proposals had been agreed in principle, it is great to have the dates confirmed. I now know the timetable that I am working to.

4 months, in fact.

I have left the planning alone for the last month or so, partly as a defence mechanism, just in case I got an email to say actually it would not be possible to have the show after all. A trip to Venice to catch the last weeks of the Biennale, and frantically making flamenco doll sculptures provide more positive reasons for not getting on with the planning. But now I need to stay focused, to resolve my ideas in a practical, achievable form.

I have now started to have all the feelings associated with being told that you have a solo show coming up. A slightly uncomfortable feeling in the stomach as I come to terms with the fact that I actually have to make this work, it is no longer just about ideas and plans, but must be realised.

So, watch this space, as they say.

Since returning for Berlin last week I have been continuing to refine my ideas for the Pavilion. Whilst it is really soothing to sit in the Autumnal gloom at the rear of my studio, making collaged drawings in my sketch book, not like real work at all, it is also a little unsettling. At this stage of the process, the possibilities are endless, and they are easily realised on paper. However, none of them are real, they do not exist in real space. More drawings have been sent to Berlin, of which I am most excited those that explore nascent ideas for a performance piece to be executed at the opening of the exhibition. This needs a lot more thought, but could add a whole new dimension to the work.

I am about to go off on holiday for 10 days to Turkey, where I hope to investigate the Istanbul Biennale, which is very exciting. I hope that this holiday will help staunch the flow of ideas, variations on a theme, within my exhibition proposal. I anticipate that some distance from the work for a couple of weeks will consolidate my ideas, helping the decision making process. Fingers crossed.

I have just spent a busy week in Berlin. It could have been better, I had to go earlier and leave earlier than I would have liked. Last Tuesday the Berlin Art Week Opened and everything was happening. I arrived the previous Wednesday and quite a lot of the gallleries were still closed for the summer. After Tuesday last week all hell broke loose with far too much to do and see, whereas the previous week left me feeling quite strange really, I am no longer a tourist in Berlin, but neither am I living there at the moment, I felt a bit removed. I also felt more stressed than I should have before meeting people at the Milchhof about my proposal for the exhibition. After a successful meeting and the AMAZING opening of Art Week, I felt fully back in the swing of Berlin life, then it was time to return to London. Lots more openings and special events were scheduled for the weekend, but…

last weekend was Open Studios here in London, at which I showed the culmination of the doll work, and some of my ideas for The Pavillion am Milchhof. Consequently, now, I just feel exhausted. The open studios did provide a lot of positive feedback though, and I do feel inspired to proceed with all projects.

Art Week is a great time to be in Berlin and I would encourage all of you reading this to try and go sometime. A whole block of Auguste Strasse, traditionally the heart of the Post Wall Berlin Art World, was closed off. It was a bit like Notting Hill Carneval for Artists with food stalls and sound systems, and a stage for performances, as well as every gallery being open until around 10pm. Incredibly packed, and, in typical Berlin style, incredibly egalitarian. No special receptions or cordoned off areas for celebrety collectors and gallerists. For those who still had any energy later in the evening there were DJs in the marvelous Speigalshal in the Clarcans Balhaus. The Speigalshal is famous as the venue for one of Tino Seghal’s early works, and, a couple of years ago, for my friend Florian’s fortieth birthday party. It is a truly wonderful space that evokes a decadent decayed city from a previous era.

As for the show at Milchhof, I have to waite until the board meet in October to settle exact dates, but the work has been agreed in principle and details of timing, responsibilities and hanging have been discussed. I hope to be in Berlin for a couple of months in spring next year. Half of the time preparing and hanging the work, again using some studio space at The Milchhof, and half of the time trying to encourage people to come and see my work.

Now I have to think about funding! I have just discovered that the British Council Funding programme has completely changed since the last time that I applied for it, and they will no longer just fund an exhibition abroad. Arts Council funding is for projects in England, so that is counted out, which means thinking about independant and charitable funds. I am also thinking about having an exhibition here, or in Berlin to try to sell some of my large scale Berlin Drawings to help pay for the installation work.

I also have to think of a title, I have a quote from Rilke that I feel is really relevant, however I discovered it in The Hamburger Bahnhof, in an exhibition, so it might be spotted as a bit of plagarism if I do use it.

Enquiries are also being made about another venue in Berlin with a view to showing a development of the mirrored video work shot in the Royal Palaces of Brandenburg.

Exciting times.

Well, off to Berlin again next week. This is to discuss proposals for the Pavilion at Milchhof. I have set all dolls aside for the last few weeks, working on ideas for the exhibition. It has been a real pleasure actually, to work on small, collaged images in the sketchbook. It really does not feel like real work, perhaps I should have followed my original career choice, that of illustrator.

Anyway, ideas have developed over the last few months, partly by playing around in the studio. For example, I saw an exhibition at Hauser and Wirth a few months ago, I can’t remember the artist’s name, but he had done some drawings on board, working into wet paint. Experiments with this process lead me to an idea for a way of incorporating my drawings into a sculptural installation. I really wasn’t expecting that.

I have tried to develop a work that reflects the drawings I made in Berlin, my interest in the Baroque decoration of the Palace at Charlottenburg and the architecture of the Pavilion itself.

It will be interesting to see the space again, having been thinking about it continually for the last month or so.