working the shells

out of the window this morning i see a flat monochrome sky.

in front of it a flat green tree and flat brown bricked buildings.

my cup of tea is empty and the puppy is pressed against my right leg.  i spend some time to look at the green tree and remember our recently departed beloved dog maybe.

she was 14 and the time had come for her to leave us.  the past week has proven to be a difficult one.  messages we’ve received have helped us to remember what a wonderful dog she was.  for me she made space and i felt really happy to be out with her, proud to be the man who was with her.

tears swell and create new paths across my face.  i sniff a little and caress the puppy’s head.

it feels good to cry.  to be connected to the emotion and not afraid to let it show.  i’ve learnt that this process is good for me as it does lead to a calmer more centred emotionally relaxed place.

my emotional self is levelling out now after speaking of maybe and soon i’ll return to thinking about my practice.  before this though a quick blurt about general election.

already in the first few days there has been much written about the event in the mainstream media and i expect theres vast amount of new writing still to come.  personally i look at the political process and despair at it.  i find myself looking up to articulate, educated intellectual individuals whose public conduct and professional pride belittle the importance of the process they are involved with.  i don’t know this to be fact of the individuals, merely my own position relative to them.

so to make things a little more exciting…what if the political tv debate process was modelled on this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW5KTSV-KwA

now i begin to smile.

when i re-iterated my website this year i made sure there’s a place for me to be playful.  being playful really helps me to push through the bad times.

time to focus .. to practice.

hang on though….

i’ve had something really good this week ! after two rounds …. i’m 12th in the moto gp fantasy league game.  in three years it’s the highest position i’ve held.  all the trying and practicing  paying off with progress and a being in a better place.

i’ve starting playing with drawing machines.  digital for now with aspirations for something analogue too.  the resonate frequencies within each drawing loosely talking about resonate emotion around loss

i reach for my newly filled cup of tea, sip, swallow and smile.  memories of good things in the past and expectations of the future.

sometime around the end of last year a friend contacted me and asked if i could meet up with her and a friend who was embarking on a film project.  i of course said yes and duly met up, shared some food and conversation and offered what help i could in relation to using music in her film.

just after i completed the recent iteration of my practice website i received a message from the woman with a question relating to the film.  “can i do some recording?”

we exchanged correspondence and last night i spent a lovely couple of hours at her home with another mum and son recording some spot effects for the animated film.

it’s done me a world of good to feel useful and like i know what i’m doing as of late i’ve been really struggling with this.

this morning i’m still aware of putting recent set backs behind me and i suspect that over the coming months there will be moments when this proves to be a challenge.

it’s time to get loose ends tidied, to have a break and return recharged.

breakfast today was a bowl of oats, fruit and yoghurt and this is significant because it’s a breakfast we’ve not had for a while.  along with this was a cup of tea, conversation and me filling the gaps by looking at instagram.

i felt my mood plummet when seeing the “we’re proud to announce ” post about the travel and development bursaries.  i obviously have to check back to instagram to check just how far i’ve managed to misquote and i’ve done a fairly good job actually.

taking to my laptop i resolve to write a frank and honest blog post about my feelings about being one of the unchosen.

as the machine chimes and whirls i reflect about what i’m intending to do.

to write about my short comings but not really knowing what these are.

i get distracted by the next door neighbours, the woman’s current man choosing to park his blue car on the grass verge, it’s presence indenting itself into the grass.  ok for a one off but over time that indentation makes a lasting impression and the integrity is compromised.

i hurt today.  i hurt because i’m tired of applying and being unsuccesful and being unsure why i am unsuccessful.  i want to question what a “a light-touch approach” is.

i have to live with the fact that i’m not at the same level as other people whose skill and articulacy are able to secure them backing and opportunity.  i have to live with the unsaid because of “a light-touch approach.”

i’m angry and emotional and i want to record this because otherwise i have to internalise it and spend days trying to work through and let go the emotional knot developed all because of “a light-touch approach”

i appeal to a-n to allow me to opt out of “a light-touch approach” next time i apply for something.  next time i apply and i’m not able to meet the criteria i really want to know why it is.

i want to know because maybe just maybe then i can start to move forward and get better or simply decide i have to leave the applications alone because it’s just not worth having to go through the anger and disappointment any more.

i want to know why i’m not good enough because i can them do something about it.   yes thats blunt but “a light-touch approach” is equally so.

i watch dragons den because i like the balance of seeing an idea being presented and those receiving it voicing their reactions.    the reactions might not secure funding, however what is said give those with the ideas something to take away from the experience.

if i make future applications i would like to be able to take something away from the process.   you see it’s not just about the money, it’s about receiving interaction from those who set the agenda.

hearing what that feedback is can’t be any worse than the feeling i have today at seeing the announcement and making something up as to why my application didn’t make the grade …… simply not self devised enough.

hello .  my post tonight is one of up and down.  to begin with i can write about the opening of the ten exhibition at london road commuity hospital in derby.

ten years ago the new royal derby hospital opened and a project on site made sure that the bare walls of the public corridors were made more inviting by placing art works for patients, visitors and staff on those walls.  ten years on and air arts continue to do this and have a team working every day at the london road community hospital.

it was at london road where before christmas i helped to deliver what has become known as the mini museum project.

when we sat in january to go over the data and evaluation topics there was an unexpected invitation to be part of the ten exhibition as the air arts staff had decided to feature the mini museum project in ten.

last friday we went to the opening event so see the exhibition.  i have to say that with some pride i looked upon the photographs of the objects i had taken back in february.  it’s not very often now that i see my photographs as prints.

so after the up came the down.

another unsuccessful application.  i reflected about this while walking to collect the car after being fixed.

i might be being too hard on myself when i process these emails.  i suspect i’m not alone, well i know i’m not alone in receiving them.  the two applications were to opportunities made available by a-n.  both told me of their unprecedentedly high numbers of applications.  my irreverent self thinks at least i’m in the majority.

so after returning from the garage i filled up with comfort food, redbush tea and moto 3 from qatar.

i’m now sat in the living room, the internet router timer feverishly keeping track of the time and the puppy is asleep on the furniture.  everyone else are elsewhere.  i can admit to being in a wobble and this blurring my vision of what i make within my practice.

i agreed back in january to exhibit with friends at this years derbyshire open arts.  i’ve not done this before and between you and me i’m rather at odds what to show.  the weekend is predominately about 2d and 3d work and i’m still unsure as to wether i like to make such work.  when i put my mind to it i can actually make stuff what people like.  i need to focus and let go of caring.

this evening it all seems a little up or down –  black or white.

i smile to myself and remember of what lyes in between … that there is an in between.

i put myself out there in two applications. neither were successful.  it’s ok.

time to make a cup of tea.