i’ve come to my blog this morning to help me collect and reflect upon recent thoughts and feelings.
the film project has been well received amongst the peer review group and the project team at the mill. i came home after the meeting and spouted stuff at my partner about the meeting but also about me and my inner feelings about why at times i make things.
at the time it was very raw and very personal. now several days later the feeling has ebbed and i’m not entirely sure what i’m left with. what i can remember is the core feeling of needing something that equals out a constant feeling installed in me by my teenage experiences in front of my mother.
i pause a while, look out of the window and try to reconnect to the feelings i has last week. there’s nothing there right now. i simply see the gray outlines of the trees set against the mist.
i’ve been invited by derby silk mill to propose a re-iteration for the film, a second edition if you like. i’m very excited and humbled this has been forthcoming and in part this is my way of taking some time to reconvene my thoughts about making a film. i’m not used to there being such a small gap between the peer review and the next invitation. the remnants of the conflict with my mum affecting my creative practice at times.
the second iteration needs to develop on from the first and i’m going to look for help with that development. i’m aware of the professional development opportunity currently open for submissions here on a-n.
my mind is full of things i need to do. adding the post to my annual blog, reconsidering my website, completing the details of the first iteration and proposing the second. if they were material based things placed around the space in which i currently sit it would be easier manipulate. there’s also preparing images for a feature on instagram. how did it happen that i got so busy ?
sipping my tea i return to looking at the outlines of the trees. a magpie catches my eye, moving to the left. i scan right to find a second. i don;t have to wait long before turn of the second draws my eye to it. another sip of tea and collect the storey on my blog.
the first iteration of the film (and i am aware of how my referring to it has evolved) is another project connected to the derby silk mill museum that has had a positive effect on my confidence. the hospital project, currently in evaluation was another.
this confidence building is the driving force behind my wanting to evolve my practice website. i look at it and it really doesn’t blow my trumpet enough. i type that and a feeling returns from after the film meeting last week.
i came back and in my spouting there was a whole maker verses artist consideration.
i considered the words…
maker.
artist.
my perception of these words is that one word has a higher value than the other. both involve creation of things from ideas.
in my wanting to overcome the internal low self esteem feelings installed by a mother who really just wanted the best for her son, the word that i thought would do this for me was artist because i look at how there is societal respect for an artist at a level much higher than a maker and anecdotally i think this is because of the artist being of a higher intellectual standing.
i might be an artist but it’s something i really struggle to feel and in this moment there is a realisation that letting go of the hurt and other things connected to the childhood memories is what i need to do to become comfortable with who i am.
i pause.
an emotional moment.
tea. tree. looking.
a bin lorry breaks my meditative stair.
maybe what i’ve written that caused the emotion has helped me to clear the energy that was stored.
returning to writing i do feel clearer in my mind, clear in my intent.
while keeping a project blog i have struggled to maintain a flow on the annual blog. today i see the importance of having a blog alongside the project blog where recording how the project affects my practice can be noted away from the flow of the project.
there is much to do today and starting in this manner feels to have been the best way to started. it’s the norm for me to once i’ve written a post to go back over it and edit and edit so that it becomes more cohesive. today i’m going to leave it as it was written and leave you with a ….
