Some analysis
I wanted to take a few weeks time off from posting anything, but my desire to work is greater than necessary.
The reason why I wanted to take some time off is because I wasn’t happy with my behaviour on social media recently (it wasn’t bad, it was just selfies and random thoughts), and I just wanted to stamp it out. But perhaps I was throwing the baby out of the bathwater with not posting anything.
I was doing some soul searching on at the 12-hr shift earlier; turns out I’m disgusted with the way I’m acting out, then I thought about Dabrowski’s research (He was a polish psychologist in the 20th century who has looked into creative individuals and positive disintegration). I think it correlates with my situation, because I’m in a positive environment (recently moved into Stryx studio which is full of individuals with a similar mindset to myself), and an emotional trigger. I think it’s the right combination to trigger some (I guess) moral upheaval.
More analysis
I think the moral upheaval is related to ego ideal. It’s been written that the ego ideal is the heir of the original narcissism which the ego once enjoyed in childhood. Interestingly this part is lost in adulthood and is substituted with the chosen loved person. This is why sometimes people fall out of love or go through midlife crisis, and come to find or rediscover themselves afterwards, because the process undoes itself.
I also think the reason I don’t like my behaviour on social media that much is because the ego ideal in my childhood was before I was exposed to the internet and social media. Suffice to write my childhood was untouched by the digital gaze. It’s far fetched, but to me, it explains why I prefer organic friendships as opposed to ones online. Maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive to the gaze; caused by lack of exposure.
(Being more sensitive of the gaze in general) is a hint for a talk which I’m planning to do on Stryx sometime later this month (how social upbringing and racial bullying has affected me as an artist) – something like that.
