All the topics I’m interested in (cultural identity, the uncanny) are quite challenging, and this is no exception. I think this (the topics: sexuality, queer studies, gender identity), might be the most challenging so far. It’s not a topic that I’ve ever touched. It’s going to be my point of view because it’s not possible to write about experiences so personal from the outside.

Serendipitous moments

Lately I’ve had random opportunities to listen to my friends on their viewpoints of sexuality by chance. I’ve talked to one of my friends, who is a strict Christian, about her view of the Church of England giving blessing to same sex unions. Then another friend, who is a catholic, sent me a news clip about schools having compulsory LGBT+ lessons and asked me what I thought of it (I thought it was great by the way, because it reduces mental health issues in young people). A few weeks later, I took my straight cisgender male friend to see the show, (Un)Defining Queer at Whitworth Gallery in Manchester. It made experiencing the show more complicated than if I went on my own, but the show still spoke to me though.

Cisgender

I’ve always identified myself as a cisgender female because of my biology and I don’t have gender dysphoria. I’m happy with my body and style of how I show myself to the world – I like the length of my hair and had the same style all my life (one time I cut my hair short and didn’t like it), sometimes I wear dresses and other times I wear trackies.

But I don’t think I am cisgender.

(The rest of my writing in the post might be considered quite binary because I grew up in a binary world in the 90s and 00s.)

The defining moment for me was when I was very young (I think about 5), where my mum asked me to wear a dress to see my cousins, and I refused to (even when I wear dresses now, it doesn’t feel right for me).

My self-image isn’t a girl or a woman. When I was into video games (I think I grew out of it now), I’ve usually chosen to play as male characters in games like Sims. (Bit of a tangent: Sims is more female gaze than something like GTA and Tomb Raider, even though Tomb Raider is about a female character, because games like Sims gives the player options of who they want to be; it’s deeper than the visual need because it’s very much about the person’s motives and not the events of the game).

In primary school I was the only girl who played football at break. (It’s interesting because in the MBTI context, it’s my opposite basically -8th function according to Beebe). Even in MBTI, my personality is associated with being a guy.

I don’t mind about the pronouns that describe myself. But that might be because I’m saved by the lack of gendered pronouns in Cantonese. (They verbally sound the same [sounds like “ta”], but the spelling is split into masculine and feminine).

Findings from Corpse (2022)

I think the burying my clothes in a dream in 2021 and Corpse (2022) is indicative of this post.